483. Blindness

For as many times as people have told me that I am an insightful person, there are many ways where I am blind.

Much of this blindness is self-inflicted.  I can remember back to my early teens thinking that life would happen for me like it did for others.  I would think a girl is cute and she would think I am cute and we would become something together.  It took a few years to realize that for me this would not just happen.  It would be an agonizing struggle, that would crush my self-esteem and force me to try to view myself in an objective, albeit negative light.

Feeling like someone would want to be with me led to too much pain, so I had to believe myself to be someone that no one would want.  It was easier this way.  It also defined a path.  Instead of simply accepting that I would be alone, I worked on every possible way to be better in hope that someday I would be good enough to the point where someone would find me acceptable.  The cycle of rejection continued throughout my entire vanilla dating life.

Years later, these views have become a core part of my identity.  They are who I am.  I am the underdog.  I am the boy that no one wanted.  I am the one who has to be twice as good in order to be considered half as good.  While I have found people who loved me, it was usually because I managed to become an indispensable part of their life.  Beyond that I cannot fathom someone choosing except as a consolation, settling, or as their plan Z.

This makes me blind.

I don’t recognize when someone is interested in me because they couldn’t be interested in me, right?

I live in a world that is affection-starved.  While I have connected online, warmth has been absent from my life for years.

The blindness makes me simple.  The desperation makes me weak.

This combination has brought pain to both others and myself over the years.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to grow beyond it, or if it is here for good.

11 thoughts on “483. Blindness

  1. I think the question may be, do you want to grow beyond it?

    ” I don’t recognize when someone is interested in me because they couldn’t be interested in me, right?”…this has been your tag line since I’ve known you…this type of thinking seems to be what drives you into sub space. You are an insightful person…but it also seems that you crave being discarded, thought less of, treated like you are less than. If you were to grow beyond this, you might lose that ability to put yourself in that submissive mindset, which I know isn’t something you want. Just some observations, food for thought…nothing you don’t already know about yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Nora. I’m not sure. I also know that my rational brain and my brain in sub mental space do not always coincide. I just know that this can cause problems and I’m weighing pros/cons for the first time in a while.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think this is a catch 22…. you need to see yourself as worthy of affection or you are likely to miss out on opportunities when they present themselves and perhaps that person can fulfil both sides of you? But if u don’t think your worth it, as you say why would they?

    I also think we’re all guilty of having blinkers on when it comes to self worth… sometimes you do have to challenge that perception and push past it in order to grow…

    I personally would like to see you with a person who “deserves YOU” and who will show you how much you mean to them by being able to be everything you need xx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I nearly missed out on HD because of that line of thought. I kept telling myself that he wouldn’t be interested in someone like me, and if his profile on OKC hadn’t continued to pop up at the top of my newsfeed, I never would have initiated contact. Two years later we are married, buying a house, and starting a family soon (with luck).

    The point is, you never know how you seem to another person. I feel like I am waaaay out of his league and super boring. I can’t see myself the way he sees me, and you won’t be able to see yourself the way someone else does. Like Sweetgirl said, you should be with someone who deserves you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. One thing is sure: lots of readers are eager to read what you have to say. When I am down I always read “Face of the Water” from Robert Silverberg. Maybe it helps you too?

    Liked by 1 person

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