488. 5-Month Reflections upon my return to the local community

It was roughly 12 years ago that I left the local BDSM community due to the hateful drama, petty squabbles, and how that manifested itself in people’s behaviors.  It was an experience that had born fruit, but had also soured and caused me to recoil deeply.  I didn’t know who to trust.  It was easier to trust no one.

Back then there were 4 local groups that ranged between 95% and 100% M/f.  Male subs were treated as less than human.  Dommes were welcomed on the surface but deep down the reactions were split:  a portion of the female sub community appreciated them because the Dommes would act as protectors for them within the groups.  The remaining female subs and the majority of male doms shared a similar view upon them:  dominant women didn’t truly exist and these so-called Dommes just hadn’t found the right man to subdue them yet.

It has been roughly 5 months since I re-joined the local community.  Things have changed.  There are 2 dedicated Femdom groups and another 10+ active groups in the local scene.  There are 5+ munches/classes a week.  There are 1-4 play parties every weekend.  It is completely realistic that if someone wanted to, they could attend 15+ munches and 5+ play parties a month.  Most groups have a niche.  Newbies.  RACK play.  Discussion/training.  Age demographic focus.  If you can think of a reason to group together, it probably exists.  By all assumptions and measures, it should be easier to meet people.

While things are definitely better now than they were years ago, in some ways I still feel like I am on an island.  The way that I look at D/s is different than how most people look at D/s.  My measure of dominance is how well someone can craft and control a dynamic and has little to do with proficiency with specific tools or types of play.  The cultural norms of the region continue to be a problem:  surface interactions and passive-aggressiveness still bleeds its way into the behaviors of most.  I have become aware of the drama that goes on behind the scenes.

Overall, I still do not feel that I am a good fit for groups.  I have been lucky enough to form a handful of connections and gotten close to people that I would not have if I had remained in the shadows.  This makes it all worth it, even if parts of me have screamed inside at the discomfort I feel in social situations involving groups of strangers.

As things stand, I feel I have finally reached a point where I have found my place.  I will continue to go to the social-oriented events to see the people that I enjoy interacting with.  I believe I will stop attending the events that focus upon other activities.

I’m sure this isn’t the last post I will make on this topic.

10 thoughts on “488. 5-Month Reflections upon my return to the local community

    1. Thank you, HH. There are still a couple of groups that I have not attended. It has been interesting in the discussion groups as I have been getting a somewhat polarized reaction: people either glaze over or find what I talk about to be exactly them.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have only dabbled within the groups that aren’t Femdom-centric, but the general consensus is more accepting than it used to be. The one thing that has remained true is that most of them focus on impact play and there is far less interest in power exchange.


        1. Agreed. As someone who quite enjoys impact play (giving and receiving) it keeps me busy.

          There’s a number of us involved or interested in power exchange as well, which is nice. But as you said, a whole lotta impact play.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. It becomes difficult to address certain topics when that is the case. I was recently at a discussion about processing pain and things like pain for correction and emotional masochism weren’t really something of interest to many as they fall outside the scope of impact play.

          Liked by 1 person

  1. Hello Fur,
    well…, after many years of sharing your thoughts/ideas/philosophies about femdom on the blogsphere or even via skype/phone/mails with the chosen ones you finally reached out to people in face to face encounter in your local BDSM community. No wonder you get a somewhat polarized reaction as your style/thoughts of femdom, well…. , might seem to be a bit radical, especially for the newbies, though fascinating for those more attuned with this lifestyle. I guess they know much less about you than we, your regular readers unless they read your blogs and identified your as an author. Many of them, I guess, read femdom blogs so they might easy connect the author of famous blogs (and comments) with an inteligent guy sitting across the table and speaking to them in this very moment. It might help then (and you) to move forward with mutual understanding of the respective positions on this fascinating lifestyle. Or…. maybe not. I wonder, was it a cause during those munches, if I may?
    Good to see you back here!
    Good luck with your writing and your explorations!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Peter. I was a regular munch attendee ~2006. This was quite a long break away from it.

      The ideas are mostly polarized between seeing Femdom as consensual spanking vs. living D/s as a lifestyle. There are far fewer people who embrace the latter, and it rarely gets talked about because many of the principles contradict the standard BDSM rules of safe, sane, consensual, etc.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

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