510. Tips on Writing an Introductory Message to a Domme

A couple of local Dommes I am helping mentor are actively seeking subs but they have been continuously bombarded with generic or poor messages from prospective subs.  I felt like writing today, so here comes a post on the subject.

Having been in the position of writing a first message to a Domme, I understand that it can be absolutely terrifying.  There is that perfect balance of saying enough but not saying too much, showing interest without being smothering, asking about them without being prying, and so on.  In my experiences, I have usually spent hours agonizing about how to craft the perfect message but the end result has generally been rather positive.

Unfortunately, the most common messages these Dommes have been facing have been of two primary types.

The first type is something like this:

Hey there, I like your profile.  We should chat.

This type reeks of low effort copy/paste in an, “I just sent this same message to 40 other Dommes,” way.  I realize that some people may have put in genuine thought, gotten freaked out, and that is what the end result was.  Unfortunately, it isn’t about what actually went into it, it is about what she perceives went into it.  These messages rarely get answered, but an appropriate response might be, “why?”

The second type is something like this:

Hello Mistress.

Here are the ways you should dominate me:

  • Activity I like #1 displayed as a “you should do this to me” statement.
  • Activity I like #2 displayed as a “you should do this to me” statement.
  • Activity I like #3 displayed as a “you should do this to me” statement.
  • Activity I like #4 displayed as a “you should do this to me” statement.
  • Activity I like #5 displayed as a “you should do this to me” statement.

This type pretty much feels like, “I am searching for my personal fetish dispenser.”  I don’t think I need to really elaborate upon why this rarely works.

Pre-Message Checklist

Before you write your message, you should have the following things in order on your own profile:

  • Your username should not be anything crass.  tittyfucker69 will draw the wrong kind of attention.
  • Your profile pic should not have a penis in it.  A face pic is encouraged.   Faceless ab pics or other faceless muscle shots that may imply you want someone to choose you for your body are better left for secondary/alternate pictures.
  • Your written profile should not be blank.  Make sure it says something about you and is not just a kink checklist.
  • You should be clear about what you are looking for in the long-run:  a serious long-term relationship vs. casual play partner.

Before you write your message, you should have done the following with her profile:

  • Read it in its entirety.  Carefully.  Make note of any questions you might have about things that are not listed or unclear.
  • Evaluate whether or not the two of you are a good fit.  This includes from a personal standpoint, age, location, commonality of what you are looking for in a relationship, and kink compatibility.  If you are not what she is looking for, do not write to her.  If she is not what you are looking for, do not write to her.
  • Make sure you are willing to meet her stipulations.  e.g. if she says she will only meet you at a local munch, be ready and willing to attend that munch if you wish to be taken seriously.

The Message

Message basics:

  • Be polite and respectful (without coming off as sycophantic, groveling, or overly fawning).
  • Use proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation.  If these are not your strong suits, type your message up in Word (or something similar) first.
  • Follow instructions from her profile.  If she has a code word hidden in it to put as the subject line, do that.  If her profile tells you how to address her, address her that way.  By extension, if she doesn’t state a way that she would like to be addressed, do not address her by a title.

Part of the message should focus upon her:

  • Communicate what about her profile drew you in and why it interested you.  The more personal this is and the more it draws from what she says about herself, the better.  Basically, you are answering the question of: Why do you want to get to know her as a person?  If the only reason you have is, “I like your pictures,”  I would suggest not writing to her.
  • Politely ask any reasonable and appropriate questions that you might have made note of in your pre-message checklist.

Part of your message should be about you:

  • Tell her some things about yourself as a person and be wary about how it will come off.  Plainly stating, “I’m honest and trustworthy,” will not make you seem honest and trustworthy.  Saying, “I strongly value honesty and trust,” does a better job of that.
  • Displaying personal qualities through your writing, like sense of humor and intelligence, is a strong plus.

If you are seeking a potential relationship, at this point you have said enough for a first message and ending it politely with a “thank you for your time” and/or “I hope to hear back from you” is not a wrong way to go.

This is also the point where you may choose to say more, especially if your goal is only to find a play partner.  You may have noticed that I have worded things “as a person” and not encouraged speaking about kinks or fetishes yet.  This is because kink talk is delicate and volatile and the most likely way for someone to blow up an otherwise positive message.

If you do choose to insert kink talk into your message, I recommend limiting yourself to these types of statements:

  • Talking or asking her about kinks that she has listed on her profile as interests.
  • Talking about how her kinks that she has listed on her profile overlap with your kink interests.

Generally speaking, if she wants to know what you are into and what it does for you, she will ask.  In my opinion, it is better to err on the side of caution than to get anywhere near reducing the both of you to simple kink checklists.

While each dominant woman will have her own preferences on the messages she likes to receive and these recommendations are by no means rules that are set in stone, they do give you a good chance of actually being read and receiving a response instead of ending up in the delete/block pile.

A last bit of advice is that if you are unable to craft a message that you are happy with, do not send it.  You only have one chance to make a first impression and it is better to take a bit more time to make that impression a good one.  Also, many Dommes talk to each other and the people they trust.  What that means is that it is safe to assume that the message will not only be read by the woman you send it to, but by others that are close within her circle.  In many cases, the impression you are making is not just upon her, but upon a number of people that will give her feedback.

4 thoughts on “510. Tips on Writing an Introductory Message to a Domme

  1. I find this an interesting read on many, many levels.

    I’ve been in a number of high protocol D/s relationships which all began online with a simple “hello” from one or the other of us. This simple introduction allowed both of us to read profiles and begin a natural dialogue to see if we are compatible. It was from the conversation and finding a spark that the interview process began.

    I, personally, don’t agree with the idea of sending a prospective Dom (or sub!) a cover letter and resume to enter into a LTR. I do agree with showing respect, not being overtly sexual in the initial message, following the protocols set forth on the other person’s profile (Dom or sub).

    I was being courted by several Doms when Daddy and I first met. One of them was a seasoned fellow who taught me some really good things. He ended up mentoring me more than anything. One of the first things he taught me is that the sub interviews the Dom and how to do so. The terms of ANY D/s relationship are negotiated before any actual relationship can be established. It’s for this very reason that I think entering into a dialogue with a prospective Dom in a formal “please consider me” way is not a good way to begin.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the comments. What I do want to say is that what I have in this post is meant to only be a reflection of the F/m community. The M/f community (and my albeit limited knowledge of the M/m and F/f communities) tend to work quite differently.

      A lot of these mechanics depend upon which role is the “seeker” and which is the “sough after” as well as where the majority portion of the “burden of proof” of being genuine, trustworthy, etc. falls.

      I agree with what you have said in how it pertains to M/f, where in many instances, the dominant is the seeker with the burden of proof and the sub is the sought after. This is also true for cases where the sought after initiates contact with the seeker/proof bearer.

      What makes F/m different is that there are so many submissive men and so few dominant women that it leads to a heavily biased situation where the dominant is almost always the sought after and the sub is almost always the seeker with the burden of proof. On Fetlife, I assume that any dominant woman that is “active” on the site and lives in a populated area is likely getting 5-10 unsolicited messages a day. Those with ads and profiles actively seeking a sub, probably more like 20+ messages a day. Those who are barely active will still often get 5-15 unsolicited messages a week.

      The general consensus among the Dommes that I know, is that a well-written, personalized message with proper spelling/punctuation/grammar will stand out from the pack and “Hi, how are you?” messages will likely be ignored. Something interesting is that if a message is well-written but does not include specific mention of anything from the Domme’s profile, the instinctual response is often skeptical about it being a copy/paste and they may ask a handful of other local Dommes if they received the identical message from that person. In these cases they will likely only consider the message if no one else they know has received the same one.

      From my own perspective, if I was seeking a Domme, a message of “hey,” from them would be enough to get my attention, since I generally receive about 1-2 messages a year from someone who is not asking me for money.

      I hope this helps to expand a bit more on where this post comes from.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand that. 🙂 I owned a male sub for some time, too. I’m a switch, though I am primarily a sub. It takes the right person to pull out my full Domme. I have to say the one area I agree more than a 100% is telling a Woman (Domme or sub) that you like her pix and nothing else or listing the things you’d like to do to/with her. Seems that many men fail to recognize that the majority of us function differently. You addressed a very important aspect which I didn’t give you credit for…. respect. Show H/her respect. Even a sub who likes humiliation will appreciate being approached with respect. 😀 I do enoy your perspective.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you for elaborating. I probably wrote too much in the previous comment as I get a bit of crossover between the M/f and F/m (as well as some M/m and F/f) varieties and sometimes the differences surprise people.

          Overall, I try to encourage submissive men to put in effort and thoughtfulness. Being genuine tends to go a long ways.

          It can be difficult to juggle the balancing act of saying enough without saying too much, appearing genuine vs. looking like you are saying what she wants to hear, showing interest vs. appearing creepy/stalker-ish, etc. The times I have sent out the first message are some of the more emotionally terrifying and neurotic experiences I have ever had.

          I will sometimes joke about the “I like your pics, we should meet up,” as like saying, “you look like you have a wonderful personality.”

          Take care.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s