A couple of local Dommes I am helping mentor are actively seeking subs but they have been continuously bombarded with generic or poor messages from prospective subs. I felt like writing today, so here comes a post on the subject.
Having been in the position of writing a first message to a Domme, I understand that it can be absolutely terrifying. There is that perfect balance of saying enough but not saying too much, showing interest without being smothering, asking about them without being prying, and so on. In my experiences, I have usually spent hours agonizing about how to craft the perfect message but the end result has generally been rather positive.
Unfortunately, the most common messages these Dommes have been facing have been of two primary types.
The first type is something like this:
Hey there, I like your profile. We should chat.
This type reeks of low effort copy/paste in an, “I just sent this same message to 40 other Dommes,” way. I realize that some people may have put in genuine thought, gotten freaked out, and that is what the end result was. Unfortunately, it isn’t about what actually went into it, it is about what she perceives went into it. These messages rarely get answered, but an appropriate response might be, “why?”
The second type is something like this:
Here are the ways you should dominate me:
- Activity I like #1 displayed as a “you should do this to me” statement.
- Activity I like #2 displayed as a “you should do this to me” statement.
- Activity I like #3 displayed as a “you should do this to me” statement.
- Activity I like #4 displayed as a “you should do this to me” statement.
- Activity I like #5 displayed as a “you should do this to me” statement.
This type pretty much feels like, “I am searching for my personal fetish dispenser.” I don’t think I need to really elaborate upon why this rarely works.
Before you write your message, you should have the following things in order on your own profile:
- Your username should not be anything crass. tittyfucker69 will draw the wrong kind of attention.
- Your profile pic should not have a penis in it. A face pic is encouraged. Faceless ab pics or other faceless muscle shots that may imply you want someone to choose you for your body are better left for secondary/alternate pictures.
- Your written profile should not be blank. Make sure it says something about you and is not just a kink checklist.
- You should be clear about what you are looking for in the long-run: a serious long-term relationship vs. casual play partner.
Before you write your message, you should have done the following with her profile:
- Read it in its entirety. Carefully. Make note of any questions you might have about things that are not listed or unclear.
- Evaluate whether or not the two of you are a good fit. This includes from a personal standpoint, age, location, commonality of what you are looking for in a relationship, and kink compatibility. If you are not what she is looking for, do not write to her. If she is not what you are looking for, do not write to her.
- Make sure you are willing to meet her stipulations. e.g. if she says she will only meet you at a local munch, be ready and willing to attend that munch if you wish to be taken seriously.
- Be polite and respectful (without coming off as sycophantic, groveling, or overly fawning).
- Use proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation. If these are not your strong suits, type your message up in Word (or something similar) first.
- Follow instructions from her profile. If she has a code word hidden in it to put as the subject line, do that. If her profile tells you how to address her, address her that way. By extension, if she doesn’t state a way that she would like to be addressed, do not address her by a title.
Part of the message should focus upon her:
- Communicate what about her profile drew you in and why it interested you. The more personal this is and the more it draws from what she says about herself, the better. Basically, you are answering the question of: Why do you want to get to know her as a person? If the only reason you have is, “I like your pictures,” I would suggest not writing to her.
- Politely ask any reasonable and appropriate questions that you might have made note of in your pre-message checklist.
Part of your message should be about you:
- Tell her some things about yourself as a person and be wary about how it will come off. Plainly stating, “I’m honest and trustworthy,” will not make you seem honest and trustworthy. Saying, “I strongly value honesty and trust,” does a better job of that.
- Displaying personal qualities through your writing, like sense of humor and intelligence, is a strong plus.
If you are seeking a potential relationship, at this point you have said enough for a first message and ending it politely with a “thank you for your time” and/or “I hope to hear back from you” is not a wrong way to go.
This is also the point where you may choose to say more, especially if your goal is only to find a play partner. You may have noticed that I have worded things “as a person” and not encouraged speaking about kinks or fetishes yet. This is because kink talk is delicate and volatile and the most likely way for someone to blow up an otherwise positive message.
If you do choose to insert kink talk into your message, I recommend limiting yourself to these types of statements:
- Talking or asking her about kinks that she has listed on her profile as interests.
- Talking about how her kinks that she has listed on her profile overlap with your kink interests.
Generally speaking, if she wants to know what you are into and what it does for you, she will ask. In my opinion, it is better to err on the side of caution than to get anywhere near reducing the both of you to simple kink checklists.
While each dominant woman will have her own preferences on the messages she likes to receive and these recommendations are by no means rules that are set in stone, they do give you a good chance of actually being read and receiving a response instead of ending up in the delete/block pile.
A last bit of advice is that if you are unable to craft a message that you are happy with, do not send it. You only have one chance to make a first impression and it is better to take a bit more time to make that impression a good one. Also, many Dommes talk to each other and the people they trust. What that means is that it is safe to assume that the message will not only be read by the woman you send it to, but by others that are close within her circle. In many cases, the impression you are making is not just upon her, but upon a number of people that will give her feedback.