512. Seasonal Depression 2019 Edition

When writing my last post I found myself struggling to “complete the thought” of the post while retaining the same train of thought I held when I began writing it.  As the words spiraled off it was a firm signal to me that my SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is in full swing.  I’ve been feeling the grip of its claws for a few days now as the demons begin to surface and force their way into my thoughts.

It arrived late this year.  Normally it arrives in early to mid-November.  That I was able to manage through the holidays without it showing up is a testament to the support I have of those close to me in my life right now.

Normally I would choose to shut down and go into an emotional hibernation mode, marathon-ing shows or movies while trying to wait out the turbulence.  Right now I feel cloudy, but wide awake.

Normally this would terrify me.  While I often write from a stoic or mechanical point of view, I’m old school emo.  I feel and process my emotions intensely.  I use the cries of my heart to feel alive.

I’ve never been diagnosed officially with SAD.  I’ve just noticed for the past 20 years or so that I get depressed when the days grow shorter and the weather turns brutal and it lasts until the weather warms up and the sun shines.  December is also a bad month for me in my history.  I can’t quite tell if this seasonal cycle is actually coming from past pain or if it’s simply my chemicals going out of whack.

When the demons come calling, the memories inevitably return.  December was the first time my heart was truly broken.  December was when my fuck-face of an adopted father died and I allowed myself to be talked into seeing him on his death bed.  The only thing that overpowered my sense of rage at him was the shame I felt for allowing others to convince me to compromise my principles.  December is the anniversary of my adoption.  It was on one said anniversary when I learned the truth that I had been adopted into a family that no longer held love in it, and that they had known for over two years that the love was gone but since it was a seven year wait-list for adoption, they chose to get me anyways.  I still seethe when I recall that.  December is the month that I lost my grandmother, the one person in my family that showed me unconditional love.

There’s a part of me that is angry at myself because the same old garbage continues to haunt me almost two-decades later.  I feel like I should move on but it’s these times that bring it all back.  I can’t help but ache at the sense of loss.  The people who are gone.  The life I might have had.  I’ve stopped worrying if this is pathetic, I simply accept that it is.

It’s sort of strange that I have always turned to music as a way of processing pain.  It’s sort of funny that even though my life is not the way it was, the same types of songs are the ones that speak to me and make my heart stir.  One great thing from 2018 was that I discovered some new music that happens to have words that would have been dear to my 20-year old self.  During these times the way my heart aches reminds me of that version of myself.

This song in particular speaks to that old version of me:

Tiny Moving Parts – The Better Days

The “what ifs” are killing me
Keeping me awake
I lie to myself
But my heart is too smart to be tricked my brain

I’m not okay… I’m not
But I will be someday
I’m strong, but I’m wounded

I can tell myself I’m moving on
But that’s just a poor excuse for comfort
It’s just camouflage for abandonment

And I can spend my life waiting for the grand moment
You take me back and make me laugh again
That would be a miracle
Which is impossible by definition
But I miss you

I know you can hear it in my voice when I talk to you
I can see it in your eyes
I used to love your eyes
I used to love our lives

Living is what I’ll do
It’s always what I’ve done
The clouds have got to show the sun

I will find the better days
Deep down I know they’ll always be in reach

I’ve reduced to how I usually feel when I fix to mind that I won’t see you
I’ve reduced to how I usually feel ’cause I won’t see you

Maybe one of these years I will find a way to heal.  Until then, I will ride this out as I always have.

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22 thoughts on “512. Seasonal Depression 2019 Edition

  1. Feeling the pain and allowing yourself to feel it is how you heal it. When you honor your feelings and give yourself permission to cry then you start to release the pain. If you suffered a lot you might have to cry a river of tears before it’s all said and done but it will get better if you allow it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I have released a lot of the pain over the years. It haunts me sometimes when I notice that my irrational fears and anxieties stem from the past abuse. Retraining my brain on that is still a work in progress.

      One thing I am grateful for is that in my life right now, I do feel safe enough to cry and have faith that I will not fall to pieces. I am not used to the support but I feel like it is part of the process.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The past shapes us and what we believe, and we become what we were taught. I know hurting sucks, been there suffered through it, but it will get better. A thought popped up after I sent the last comment. How long does it take for a broken bone to heal? It takes time, it’s a slow, painful process that takes as long as it takes. How long does it take to fix a broken person? Even Mr. Owl doesn’t know. I’m glad you can cry and express your feelings because that is required to heal. I hope you feel better

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Thank you. Some wounds heal more easily than others. Thankfully I’ve been able to move past some old hurts. Each year I get a bit better at fighting this battle, but I still have a ways to go.

          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Take time to think about who the listeners are… the people who have time for you, who are really there for you at your best and your worst. The days are already getting longer and lighter again…

    Liked by 2 people

      1. That’s so good to hear and I’m glad to know you have support. You write so well and often authoritatively, it’s easy to forget that not all areas of our lives run as smoothly as each other. Take care also.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Fs,
    I have similar problems as you. I can not add much than prior comments. SAD is difficult to distinguish from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). I did not know I had SAD until I moved to Chicago from California, but yeah it hit me hard the first year.

    But after 10 years living in Chicago in my opinion least 30% (about 1,000,000) of the people in Chicago suffer from it and never seek help, It is a public health issue no less important than the fight for cancer, heart disease, or drinking and substance abuse.

    I was lucky My professional training provided me with the knowledge to see medical help. However, December is also hard for me because I still associate it with traumatic events in my life. I call this grief or bereavement and although are culture trivializes it–it certainly is not. It is a natural human experience to feel grief or lose. It is those courageous ones like yourself who do not run away from it, but address it (as a man although it is a poor word
    choice I can not think of another at this time).with your full consciousness, maturity,, power, and wisdom. It is a rare quality that you have. In other words you have great strength!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, David. A good number of my friends are affected by SAD here. I have also lived in Portland and Seattle, which are known for a large number of people experiencing it as well. Over the years I have learned how to spot my depression’s symptoms as well as find ways to cope with and manage it.

      With this post I was primarily highlighting how this year is feeling different than previous years… although it is still a struggle. I will cope with it because that is what I do.

      Take care.

      Like

  4. I would also like to support all these good wishes and words of support expressed above by others.
    It clearly shows that you suffer from demons from the past that still hang over you from time to time, and especially now in the winter season. I wish I had a magical cannon from which I could fire at these demons, once and for all.
    Fuck the demons!
    Hold on this winter, Fur. Your writing and knowledge on these topics you are talking is really outstanding.
    Take care !
    Peter

    Liked by 1 person

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