Her: “You know, all the other subs are jealous of you, right?”
Me: “What? Who? What? Jealous of what?”
Her: “All of the male subs. They are all jealous of you.”
Me: “What? Jealous of what?”
Her: “That Dommes talk to you and pay attention to what you have to say. I can’t believe you don’t see that.”
This exchange happened a few weeks with a Domme friend of mine at a munch. It surprised the hell out of me.
Over the past year I have made a few posts talking about how few connections I have made with other male subs, both online and in local communities. It seems at least locally, I now have more of an explanation of the distance and separation that I feel.
I admittedly have major blind spots in some areas. I cannot imagine someone being jealous of me, because I can’t imagine someone wanting to be anything like me. Hell, for half of my life it has been safe to say that I haven’t even wanted to be like me. How I am has very little to do with what I have wanted to be. This self was born of desperation and fear, feeling like there are ways I had to be or I would forever be alone.
A lot of this helps to dictate the way that I act within our local community. I don’t talk to anyone that I don’t know unless they talk to me first. I can’t imagine someone whose first exposure to me is in person (vs. say, through my blog) wanting to get to know me. I end up getting to know a lot of Dommes because they are the ones that talk to me.
In those cases where Dommes talk to me, I enter into the interaction with friendship as the ceiling, partly because I’m only looking for friendship but also because I can’t imagine someone whose first exposure to me is in person wanting to have anything more than that with me. This means there is no pressure, no butterflies or anxiety, and I am able to talk freely, without being worried that I am making a perfect impression or not.
As for people being interested in what I have to say… I do actually think I have interesting things to say, sometimes 😛 (If I didn’t, I probably wouldn’t have a blog)
Trying to wrap my head around all of this is an adjustment because the attention that is happening is happening without me trying to get attention. I find it strange for there to be jealousy around that. What surprised me even more is that two other Dommes at the table followed up to tell me that subs had told them they were jealous of me or asked how to get attention like I do.
One said I should feel proud of it. I’m not sure if that is really possible when your self-esteem lingers close to zero.
Following that night, two of the subs that were referenced specifically by the person I included in the dialogue ended up reaching out to me at events. Both went sort of like:
Them: “How have you been doing?”
Me: “Honestly? Sort of bad, my depression is kicking my ass and I feel like dying.”
Them: “Really? That surprises me.”
This led to some okay actual conversation and I felt like a connection was starting to build. Only time will tell but I’m hoping that it planted a seed. I’ve always wanted to have some sub men as friends to hang out with.
On a different note, nothing quite makes you feel old like when you realize that another generation of people is a lot more “woke” than you are.
For most of my life I’ve tried to embody a high level of tolerance, acceptance, and empathy towards people, especially those that are different. I was alive when sexual harassment became something that was no longer okay by society’s standards. I was there when homophobia shifted from being part of everyday vernacular to highly frowned upon. I’ve supported feminism and equal rights and stood against toxic masculinity and fear-mongering. I always felt that I was on the progressive end of the spectrum.
Recently I’ve discovered that I’m a fucking dinosaur.
When I was 4, the idea of being a T-Rex was pretty awesome. As a full-grown adult, I just feel like an ancient fossil and I’m struggling to catch up.
For now, I know that I need to work on my understanding of non-binary, gender-fluidity, gender-identity, and the like. I need to learn what is acceptable and what isn’t. I need to put specific emphasis on remembering people’s preferred pronouns.
I’m learning, but it’s not happening as fast as I would have liked. It’s hard to shake off 40 years of social conditioning, but that is always the excuse that is used when people choose to perpetuate old/bad/harmful habits that were once socially acceptable.
I want to but I also have to. If I don’t, the certain bits about myself that I respect will no longer be deserving of it. A large part of my identity is the hope that I am a good person and I recognize that this is a step to take if I want to keep feeling that way.