518. Recent Community Experiences

Her: “You know, all the other subs are jealous of you, right?”

Me: “What?  Who?  What?  Jealous of what?”

Her: “All of the male subs.  They are all jealous of you.”

Me: “What?  Jealous of what?”

Her: “That Dommes talk to you and pay attention to what you have to say.  I can’t believe you don’t see that.”

This exchange happened a few weeks with a Domme friend of mine at a munch.  It surprised the hell out of me.

Over the past year I have made a few posts talking about how few connections I have made with other male subs, both online and in local communities.  It seems at least locally, I now have more of an explanation of the distance and separation that I feel.

I admittedly have major blind spots in some areas.  I cannot imagine someone being jealous of me, because I can’t imagine someone wanting to be anything like me.  Hell, for half of my life it has been safe to say that I haven’t even wanted to be like me.  How I am has very little to do with what I have wanted to be.  This self was born of desperation and fear, feeling like there are ways I had to be or I would forever be alone.

A lot of this helps to dictate the way that I act within our local community.  I don’t talk to anyone that I don’t know unless they talk to me first.  I can’t imagine someone whose first exposure to me is in person (vs. say, through my blog) wanting to get to know me.  I end up getting to know a lot of Dommes because they are the ones that talk to me.

In those cases where Dommes talk to me, I enter into the interaction with friendship as the ceiling, partly because I’m only looking for friendship but also because I can’t imagine someone whose first exposure to me is in person wanting to have anything more than that with me.  This means there is no pressure, no butterflies or anxiety, and I am able to talk freely, without being worried that I am making a perfect impression or not.

As for people being interested in what I have to say… I do actually think I have interesting things to say, sometimes 😛  (If I didn’t, I probably wouldn’t have a blog)

Trying to wrap my head around all of this is an adjustment because the attention that is happening is happening without me trying to get attention.  I find it strange for there to be jealousy around that.  What surprised me even more is that two other Dommes at the table followed up to tell me that subs had told them they were jealous of me or asked how to get attention like I do.

One said I should feel proud of it.  I’m not sure if that is really possible when your self-esteem lingers close to zero.

Following that night, two of the subs that were referenced specifically by the person I included in the dialogue ended up reaching out to me at events.  Both went sort of like:

Them: “How have you been doing?”

Me: “Honestly?  Sort of bad, my depression is kicking my ass and I feel like dying.”

Them: “Really? That surprises me.”

This led to some okay actual conversation and I felt like a connection was starting to build.  Only time will tell but I’m hoping that it planted a seed.  I’ve always wanted to have some sub men as friends to hang out with.

On a different note, nothing quite makes you feel old like when you realize that another generation of people is a lot more “woke” than you are.

For most of my life I’ve tried to embody a high level of tolerance, acceptance, and empathy towards people, especially those that are different.  I was alive when sexual harassment became something that was no longer okay by society’s standards.  I was there when homophobia shifted from being part of everyday vernacular to highly frowned upon.  I’ve supported feminism and equal rights and stood against toxic masculinity and fear-mongering.  I always felt that I was on the progressive end of the spectrum.

Recently I’ve discovered that I’m a fucking dinosaur.

When I was 4, the idea of being a T-Rex was pretty awesome.  As a full-grown adult, I just feel like an ancient fossil and I’m struggling to catch up.

For now, I know that I need to work on my understanding of non-binary, gender-fluidity, gender-identity, and the like.  I need to learn what is acceptable and what isn’t.  I need to put specific emphasis on remembering people’s preferred pronouns.

I’m learning, but it’s not happening as fast as I would have liked.  It’s hard to shake off 40 years of social conditioning, but that is always the excuse that is used when people choose to perpetuate old/bad/harmful habits that were once socially acceptable.

I want to but I also have to.  If I don’t, the certain bits about myself that I respect will no longer be deserving of it.  A large part of my identity is the hope that I am a good person and I recognize that this is a step to take if I want to keep feeling that way.


19 thoughts on “518. Recent Community Experiences

  1. You aren’t the only dinosaur, I promise. I have been struggling with understanding (and consistently employing that understanding) the new genders. My writing has been horribly binary in the past because it’s how I was raised, how it was always stated in society, and my experience. I don’t interact with many who are non-binary, neutral, trans, etc. I know of them, I support them and vocalize on their behalf, but my actual exposure to them has been limited. Because of that, learning the terms and being inclusive has been a challenge.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, HH.

      My favorite local group is very progressive. Their munches have a turnout of 30-60 on average bi-weekly and roughly 30-40% of them classify as a form non-binary, trans, neutral, etc.

      The more people that I get to know, the more I understand the importance of my own evolution on this front.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s a challenging thing, this trend for “gender neutrality” how to address someone these days is like walking through a mine field. If you use the wrong pronoun the blast can be epic. I wish we didn’t need to worry about it, I wish we could just use the “old fashioned” words like he and she without worrying we will offend… I mean we have used these since communication began and all of a sudden we have to change the way we speak.

    It’s not as if being gender neutral will make the pay gap disappear, or stop gender bias. Instead there is a new group that will say they are discriminated against.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There is a balance here, SwG.
      It can be tricky to navigate at first because we weren’t raised with the idea of being able to pick a gender that best defines us. I have found that people are forgiving of errors if effort is shown. When in doubt, I make sure to know their name and use “they”.

      One of the primary reasons that this is important to me relates to the comments you made on 516 (and my response).
      I am finding that in the community, it is this new, progressive generation that fall into that 1-5% of open-minded people. From my own experiences, the bulk of the disrespectful and shaming-type behaviors I have been privy to have come from the more traditional M/f community where there is usually a large contingent that adopt a “a woman dominant just hasn’t found the right man yet” and that submissive men are less than “real men.” I have also witnessed quite a bit of shaming from the F/m community, mostly in regards to unpopular fetishes and the clunky/poor approaches some subs will take when approaching a Domme.

      It is in the trans, gender-fluid, gender-neutral, non-binary, switchy, etc. crowd where I have never felt judged. They talk to me without caring if I am a dom, sub, or switch, or whatever my gender may be. They are receptive to what I need/want as long as it is legal. I guess the way that I see it is that if I want someone to accept me, I also must accept them. For me to truly accept/respect who they are, I need to understand them better and evolve beyond my past understandings.


      1. I understand what you mean, there are some transgender people who attend the munch and they are very friendly and respectful, I’ve had great conversations with them. Where I stumble is when someone hasn’t told me they do not wish to be identified as male or female but then become offended when I refer to them as he or she…. I feel badly when in reality I was unaware ….

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I am not surprised at the reaction of the other subs as the way that you see yourself is not representative of how others see you, especially online. I am pleased that you may be making headway with some other male subs and can understand the desire for friends you can speak to.

    As for gender I think that lots of us struggle. It is hard to keep up and while I have a good grasp within a work context, I am aware that my blog is focused towards certain set ups. However that is what I know and to write differently would make it less effective even if more inclusive. I guess it is about knowing who your audience is and so while I hope I don’t exclude or offend anyone, I recognize that in the main I am writing for other female subs and D/s couples. Similarly I see blogs out there which are much more inclusive of other genders and relationship styles and I don’t read them as I can’t relate to them in the same way 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Missy.

      I write 95% assuming an F/m context, but that is the area I want to write about and who my target audience is. I think it is okay to do that. I think it only becomes problematic online when people try to claim something is universally true for all, but it doesn’t give a good representation of dynamics in other orientations and/or genders/gender identities/etc. I see this happen on guides all the time.

      I don’t intend to expand the breadth of my writing so much, but I do want to make an effort with the people who I meet in person, especially when they are those who are the most accepting of me.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I remember 40 years ago going to my cousins 21st and everyone being aghast that she was dancing with her lesbian partner. How times have changed. Understanding about transgender and non-binary are I guess hard to understand. Hell, I have one transgender child and one who is on the non-binary spectrum. I probably understand how they feel more than most of our generation furs but even I struggle at times. A lot of it has to do with body dysmorphia and I get that. Having male personalities who lived in a female body helped me understand a little. At the end of the day, it is just about accepting people for who they want to be. Keeping up with being politically correct when it comes to pronouns and dead naming now that can be hard. I always find when in doubt just ask. A sensitively asked question about pronouns is taken a lot better than mistaking someone for the opposite of what they identify as.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Morganna.

      I think the thing that is hardest for people is the idea that people are now able to define their gender-identity based upon how they feel inside. I agree with what you have said about asking.

      If I ever feel resistant towards making a progressive change like this, I just have to remember that one generation before me felt that black people shouldn’t have equal rights and a generation or two before that felt that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote. “Because this is how it has always been” is something I will not allow myself to use as a reason.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. As regards your quote, “As for people being interested in what I have to say… I do actually think I have interesting things to say, sometimes”.

    Hum. My reaction is: howl yes you do. That is true regardless of any self-evident truths to which you can/may point, perhaps. It is true for all. Everyone has something interesting to say, especially those who feel the need to qualify their desire to speak aloud. Smile. Glad you share and make. True.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just by being submissive in spite of being born male, you’re outside the gender binary.

    Just not outside it in a place or way the ‘woke folk’ care for much more than the macho steroetype.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sounds like you have a decent community. Nice to know those are still out there. I avoid the local scene like they have Ebola. Too much drama and I am too old for that crap. And as for the whole gender issue, I tend to be a live and let live if they ain’t hurting anybody let them be who they want to be kind of guy. Not saying I understand it mind you, I know I dont and I am ok with that. Gender fluid? So… is that like lube? Non binary? So… analog?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Our community has its strengths and weaknesses. It is fairly open and connected and that makes a big difference over the areas that force you to join and stick with one group. I think it is partly a factor of having 80% of the population of the state within a 50 mile radius.

      I’m still catching up on and learning about the classifications that people are using. It seems like people have a lot more freedom of expression now than when I was coming up.


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