525. Reflections on my submission in the modern world

I apologize out of the gate for the rambling nature of this post.  I don’t really know where I am going with it, I am just aware of a few thoughts that are trying to get out.  I’ll do my best to make it readable and cohesive.

The past few months in the local scene has exposed me to a lot of different types of people, especially those of a younger generation that were brought up with a different set of societal views than I was.  Something that has been on my mind lately is that I feel like “subs like me” are a dying breed that will go extinct within the foreseeable future.

My generation was the last one that experienced the bulk of our formative years in the “old ways.”

  • “Boys will be boys” was an acceptable excuse for behavior that would now be seen as severely disturbing.
  • Sexism was the norm and shedding those stereotypes was seen as “progressive” or “uppity” depending upon where you lived.
  • Passive racism was still accepted even though overt racism had been mostly scrubbed from the public eye.
  • Homophobia was rampant, accepted, and displayed very narrow understanding of homosexuality.  e.g. all gays were male, promiscuous, and have or will get HIV/AIDS.
  • Submissive men who liked powerful women were seen as weak, pathetic, and closet homosexuals.

While I am normally hesitant, reluctant, and embarrassed to share my kinks with people I meet, I’m realizing that what I do, what I need, and what I am, could very likely be seen as offensive to those who are in their early-to-mid 20s.

I find it difficult to communicate it in modern social terms without sounding like a dinosaur.  I find it oddly embarrassing to describe my submissive existence as being the product of a darker age because it means that deep in my core, I too, am trapped there by my past (even if my rational self tries to accept the modern ideals).

In my childhood, the absolute worst thing you could be, was a faggot.  If you were one of the unlucky few who managed to be labelled as such, this would almost certainly be accompanied by an endless barrage of behavior that would make your life miserable.  You would be bullied by both boys and girls.  You would be looked upon with scorn.  The less aggressive types would avoid you in order to avoid being targeted.  Your belongings would be taken.  Your things would be trashed.  People would piss in your gym locker.  Books would be knocked from your hands.  Wedgies, trips, slaps, and kicks would become an every day occurrence.  You would eat alone and be alone.  This was especially bad if you were immersed in sports as you would find yourself surrounded by the most aggressive attackers of the bunch.  You would not dare ask for help because boys will be boys.  The best you could hope for is that someone else would fall to a lower position before your place on the totem pole became a permanent label that would determine the rest of your days.

I experienced this briefly in pre-school with my sister’s hand-me-downs.  I shed them before it became permanent.  That didn’t stop the way it haunted me.

If they knew I liked to touch fur, they would call me a faggot.  I hid that, buried in shame.  If they knew a girl would tie me up, they would call me a faggot.  I hid that, buried in shame.  If they knew I cried when I felt really down and hurt, they would call me a faggot.  I hid that, buried in shame.  So much of my life became a matter of hiding anything private and personal from the world.  Everything true to my heart became a secret.  The thought of anyone finding out about me was enough to make me vomit.

It’s strange because I can talk about a lot of this openly quite easily now.  I feel like the world is a more tolerant place and progressed enough to where I don’t need to bury it like I once did.  I see people who grew up in an environment much different from my own and can’t help but believe that they had an easier time being their true self.  Even with all of this knowledge, it doesn’t change how things affect me internally.  My kinks will always be a source of shame and humiliation for me.  I have accepted this.

When I see the next generation coming up, I realize that the likelihood of someone becoming another me decreases each year.  While I know that not every part of this country changes at the same rate, I think it is only a matter of time before the environments needed to create someone like me no longer exist.  It’s an interesting thought.

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11 thoughts on “525. Reflections on my submission in the modern world

  1. I get this so much!! I had a childhood friend, from 7th grade until I was about 19, who wouldn’t come out. He was a year older than me. I asked him to go to my senior prom with me. He wouldn’t and hemmed and hawed til the very last minute. He was desperately afraid that I was going to want sex on prom night. LOL I wanted to go with him because he was my FRIEND and it would be super comfortable with my buddy. He was afraid to come out to me. We’re talking about 1990 in the San Francisco Bay Area. My husband just came out to his family and closest friends about His kinks and our DD/bg relationship and our shared fur fetish. I lived in the closet for the majority of my life as being a straight, good girl, dare I say it… conservative woman, so that I would be accepted by my family. Once I broke out of that need to please, I am a loud and proud bisexual woman with some serious kinks. I think you’re right… there will be a generation not too long from now when these ideas of hiding to be accepted will no longer exist in most of the US. We will be among those who fought the hard fight to make way for those who come after us.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Jodi.
      I have to believe that in the future, the climate that was necessary to form my kinks (and mess me up) will hopefully be gone. It is something that interests me the more that I encounter people who have been able to embrace who they are at a much younger age. I’m not sure that what I am makes sense to them, but that is probably a good thing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There’s also a point we need to remember… each of us in the kink community. We are kinky and have some things which few understand!! A fur fetish isn’t necessarily the most odd, for sure, yet it’s not all that common, either. Daddy and i used to get tons of crap on that front alone. As a little, there are so many people who don’t have any clue what that means or what it looks like. There are a zillion assumptions and few stop to ask… they’re too busy judging. When I outted myself to my vanilla friends as kinky, I got so much judgment, yet they didn’t consider their sex lives kinky and edgy with bondage, and so forth. In the end, it’s not so much about others understanding us. Love who we are!!! Eventually, the right partner will show up to meet as many of the kinks as possible… and if monogamy isn’t your thing… enjoy that, too!!!! I don’t care what others think about me and my kinks… or what helped develop them. What matters in the end is that I have a loving Master who loves me for those things… and together, we stand in the world proud of who and what WE are together. I have trouble not overthinking everything myself. LOL It drives Daddy crazy. There will ALWAYS be kinky and fucked up people so long as people exist. There will always be those of us who are less understood and accepted than others. ♥♥♥ Be YOU!!!! You’re awesome!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It saddens me that your kinks are a source of shame. But I get it. You shouldn’t be ashamed. Our own weird ass kinks make up part of who we are as individuals. I have been in the process of discovering my own kinks and fetishes… and I often experience loneliness and shame… and guilt at times… but I am learning to love and accept the extremely complex and complicated person I truly am. It is a long journey. Making online connections with like-minded “freaks” definitely helps.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, TJ. It has been an ongoing process. Over time I have been able to accept what I am, but I still struggle with the deep emotional scars that forced me to hide in the first place.

      I am glad that you are on your process of loving and accepting yourself. It can be a rocky road but it is worthwhile.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Speaking from your heart– as you have done in this post– is exquisitely courageous. Thank you for sharing with us your writing. I have gone through the same shaming and guilt experiences that you have described and it helps to hear – although I know, it occurs – that others have gone through similar experiences than myself.
    I too was the victim of a monstrous of a prejudicial society that effectively forced I to feel that it was too unsafe and feared the consequences of expressing my more authentic while growing up was too dangerous and fraught with potentially severe consequences for expressing whom I was. I am older than you are, I believe, but I grew up in Los Angeles in the late nineteen forties and fifties and experienced the exact it oh press of environment that you describe. Being called a “fag”, “mama’s boy”, a sissy in my generation was equally as destructive as you described your own. We both were not the only “sensitive” men in our social circles, but all of us hid many of our real thoughts and emotions very openly.

    I have been curious since I reentered the scene and came out as a “submissive man” 18 months ago what appears to me a much easier entry point into living out one’s kink. That is, it looks much easier if you were in your twenties and thirties than when I grew up. In addition, to be quite honest, I feel somewhat jealous of younger people success in finding kinky partners.

    In my opinion, gay liberation made it possible for heterosexual kinky people to have the opportunity to freely express and explore themselves so that taking action to locate others wishing to share their experiences has become much easier.

    I am happy for others who can enter the kink world without the guilt and shame that I experienced.

    However, for those of us who have experienced the pain and suffering of being unable to reveal our specialness, the guilt and shame that we have experienced earlier in life is extremely destructive.

    As a psychologist, I know it is possible to free ourselves from the guilt and shame that strangled our personal growth and caused many “little “deaths” to our soul and minds that cause trauma to our developing healthy selves.

    In conclusion, I want to point out your courage and tenacity to write about important issues that not only concern yourself but others like myself.

    Fs thank you very much for your post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, David. For some reason this comment went into my spam and I just found it now.

      I do know a lot of people have similar shaming experiences but only a handful are willing to talk about it. It’s visible though, especially when people find themselves not brave enough to attend a munch or closing off and being shy even when they do make it to one. Also, while my kinks might be unique to me, I usually assume that the shame associated with having them is quite similar to what other people end up going through.

      It is a strange thought, but I honestly believe that it is the population of switches that will make male submission more acceptable. I’m noticing a much higher percentage of switches among the younger people in the local groups than in previous eras. While I am not wired to switch, I think they become the best representation of “what you like is okay,” and will probably end up having the greatest impact overall.

      Take care.

      Like

  4. Fs,
    No doubt that you are correct that younger “submissive” men who enter the scene now, also represent themselves as “switches”. I also agree that they will have a greater impact. I have come to believe that like you I am “wired” as a submissive male. However, over the last 12 months, I have noticed that I have a great deal of “top energy”. That is, a lot of “activity” energy and non-passive desires to get things done, accomplishment and achieve challenges. So maybe today if I entered the scene as a young man, I might be one of those “switches” that you describe. It is also clear that what I label as “top energy” is completely different than being “Dominant” which I am not wired for.

    When I came out 18 months ago, I had a very intense “guilt/shame” episode. Ironically, since I had been in the closet for 35 years, I quickly moved through my intense “guilt/shame episode in less than 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I had to do it alone. Presently, I am doing research the emotions of “guilt”, “shame” “anger”, and “grief (or lost). I hope in the future I can present these topics at a kinky event.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, David.

      I think that top energy you describe can also be channeled as active submission.

      I think with some of the switches, if they are able to try kink early enough and without as much emotional baggage associated with it, they are more likely to be able to explore both sides of it without feeling guilty about it. When someone enjoys both of it, they are less likely to see one as right and the other as wrong. To them they are both right.

      Overcoming the guilt/shame can be a rough one. I’m still not over it and I have been battling it for most of my life 🙂

      Those sound like interesting topics to research.

      Take care.

      Like

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