536. What I am (2019)

Some comments on a couple of recent posts made me realize that it has been a while that I have really talked much at all about my submission and the dynamics that I desire.  There are definitely reasons that I hide parts of myself both while blogging and in my local BDSM community.  I don’t write about this regularly because my life is not in a place where my ideal dynamic is possible.

I am a submissive.  To be more precise, I am probably closer to a slave-type.  I have spent much of my life living for myself and found that approach does not bring me happiness nor fulfillment.  What I have found is that when I choose to live for someone else, I flourish and find meaning and purpose every single day.  I have been criticized in the past for being this way and had numerous cliches recited to me, explaining why I should not choose this.  The reality is that the people who say these things so easily have not spent a day in my shoes, nor do they genuinely care if I am happy or not.  In the end, they do not deter me, but instead drive me farther down the rabbit hole that I voluntarily entered.

More often than not, I find myself having to explain what I am to people and go out of my way to shatter the stereotypes that they inevitably will project upon me.  I am not a pushover or a doormat.  I know what I believe in and will fiercely defend it.  I am not passive nor a drone.  I exercise independent thought every day and rely upon an active mind that utilizes imagination, creativity, forethought, insight, and anticipation in order to assist with what I do.  Trying to be what I am without those things will inevitably lead to a poor performance.   I am intelligent, self-motivated, and competent.  I am diligent, meticulous, dependable, and dedicated.  I have a spine.  I lack things like ambition, self-esteem, and a sense of self-worth.  That doesn’t make me weak.

I do not submit lightly nor give myself to just anyone.  I can only submit when there is love/connection.  My submission is how I show my love.

As a sub, I am roughly equal parts service-oriented submissive and an emotional masochist.  In my service-side, I want to be a reason that every day is better for her with me than without me.  I want to bring about a daily life that she craves and makes her happy.  I want it to be so good that she longs for it in its absence and will fiercely defend it if it is threatened.  I want to be an integral part of that life and being such would make me proud and happy.

Submission is my sexuality.  I do not get turned on by “ordinary” things.  I cannot get off to ordinary things.  If I could change this, I would.  Over time, I have learned to accept it.  I am ashamed of what I need.  I am ashamed of what I want.  My needs stem from trauma resulting from shame and rejection.  The shame is rational and justified.  If “most people” knew what I needed to get off, they would most likely be disgusted, offended, or appalled at worst, and comically amused at best.  While there are some people who are more tolerant than others, even they understand that this information is best kept private, secret, and hidden from the world.

It is embarrassing and damaging to be fully aware of this.  It also assists in my submission.  When a Domme allows me to love them and tolerates me and my quirks, they create an oasis where I can safely exist.  This also empowers them over me by:

  • Controlling the requirements for me to enter this oasis.
  • Dictating the terms for me to remain in this oasis.
  • Creating and enforcing the rules that govern this oasis.
  • The ability to withhold, restrict, or deny access to this oasis for any reason.

To many, this might seem unfair.  I accept it.  At some point, I actually began to fetishize the shame.  Shame has become a core component of my submission and my submissive mental space.  It is my truth.  It gets me off to have it weaponized and used against me.  It is a never-ending carrot and stick that keeps me trudging forwards, blindly pursuing an impossible goal that will never come: to be able to live without shame.

In its place is a life immersed in shame.  Each and every day having the knowledge of the truth reinforced squarely within my psyche and subjugated to a harsh and unfair set of rules while constantly reminded of the simple fact that no one else would have me.  When this happens, I love them even more.  My keeper is my savior.  The loneliness of freedom burns.  It is a privilege to be allowed to earn my keep.

This is especially true when I know that the alternative is to carry the same shame but sit alone in the dark, masturbating to the fantasy of what I do not have.  That existence feels truly empty.  This is the “meta” of my emotional masochism.

I usually avoid delving into specifics, but people specifically wanted me to write about them.  At various points in my blogging I have avoided doing this because I did not have any validation coming my way from a dominant women and feared the negative psychological repercussions of having my desires critiqued by Dommes and being told that they are undesirable.  I am currently in a position where my style of submission is validated from outside sources, so it would hurt a lot less to have someone do that right now.  I know that I am fucked up.  There are people that like this fucked up version of me.

One aspect of my desires is that I have what I call a “Venus in Furs” complex.  I am attracted to dominant women in fur.  This stems back to how things got very twisted up for me in my youth when it came to my enjoyment of the touch of fur.  A woman in fur becomes both literally and figurally, untouchable.  It creates a separation that puts her into the role of the desired and myself into the role of the unworthy one who desires.  It makes me weak in the knees.  While this isn’t absolutely necessary, it is something that I desire.

The darker desire it to be confronted with the love/hate shame interplay that also involves fur.  I am unable to accept that I enjoy it because it was made taboo for me to enjoy such things.  In its place was left a void where if I am forced to experience it, I am horrifically ashamed and driven into my submissive mental space.  It also arouses me, which compounds the shame.  The line that is burned into my head is, “fur is for women,” and as it is, being forced to wear feminine fur items completely destroys my psyche, identity, and masculinity.  I want it, but I do not want it.  I cannot like it.  It jams too many truths down my throat for me to swallow.  If “most people” knew what it did to me, I know what they would think and I would not be able to face them ever again.

In my darkest desires, I am trapped in this state and it assists in the process of enslaving me.  It is part of the price I must pay to gain admission into the oasis where I will constantly endure the storm of shame and self-loathing mixed with the fear of discovery, dejection at knowing this gets me off, and worry of abandonment and rejection because of it.

When all of this becomes twisted up in my D/s, I can be worked to the bone, punished for my miscues and deviance, and kept in constant fear of losing my place in the oasis.  I become completely enslaved to someone who accepts me and I love her absolutely for it.

I most likely could do without the fur parts and be content with simply being enslaved and having a place in the oasis provided by someone one I love.  However, I included it because the question was about my desires and not what I would be willing to settle for.

And… this feels like a complete personal overshare that will probably make me wishing that I could dig a hole and hide in it for the rest of the day.

45 thoughts on “536. What I am (2019)

  1. I haven’t known you any other way fur, I’m not sure I would want to. As it’s been said before.. you are unique. This may feel like a shameful overshare but it also connects you more so to the open minded people that read your blog.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Well look at you, emboldened by the wave of validation from your recent posts and hungrily clambering for more! 😉

    I am honored to be a source of some of the support and security that makes you feel safe enough to write about your truths. As you well know, I was drawn to you as soon as we met not in spite of the ways you are different from the rest but BECAUSE of the things that make you uniquely “you.” You are a beautiful, sweet, smart, brave, fucked up little creature, and you deserve to be cherished for it (at least for as long as you put forth enough effort to earn a place at the oasis…hehe.)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. At least one of us does…and others do, when I send them specific links. *wicked grin*

      (Don’t worry, I’m not going to distribute this post to people we know who aren’t aware of this side of him yet—after all, it’s so much more amusing when he has to reveal it in person. *wicked-er grin*)

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Oh god yes! And it’s every bit as magnificent as you might imagine! Tiny voice, tiny posture, red hot cheeks, downcast eyes…I’ll stop there before I really embarrass the boy (and/or get myself too distracted at work!😈) Suffice it to say I’m a lucky lady to know this one.

          Liked by 2 people

        2. Intrigued, eh? How far away are you? I’m throwing that boy a birthday party for likeminded friends in a couple of weeks. Serving KFC and everything. 😉 Giggle.

          Liked by 2 people

        3. I am shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, at the implication that I would raise my hand against that boy! Hehe

          Did you hear that, mister author? Your adoring fans think you deserve an extra-memorable birthday. And you know how much I hate letting people down…

          Liked by 2 people

  3. I have to agree with J. Lynn up there. I think you’re pretty frickin’ interesting. Your complex sexuality makes you stand out, and I see our sexuality as the core of our selfhood. Yours is unique to you, both shadow and light sides. You need to have that dark side. We all do. But you have the courage to share it in a public arena. That’s beautiful.

    And I think submissive men are the best. 😁👍 Don’t be ashamed of who you are and where you came from. Thank you for sharing. 💜

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, TJ.
      The sexuality aspect can get really odd, and it especially did within the D/s relationships in my past. I usually consider giving sexual pleasure part of my role as a submissive and view it as pleasure meant only for the receiver. It is interesting that it slipped my mind to write about this in the post, which means the divide between giving vs. receiving has grown even greater. Having an orgasm makes me crash from my submissive mental space, so I actually prefer… to never have one and simply remain in a highly aroused and highly submissive state that never ends. Now that I have written this I feel like this is another embarrassing overshare.

      It is good that you like submissive men. Sub men don’t have all that many fans out there and it feels good to know that.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t be embarassed. I sure as heck am not judging. One of the things I love about sub men is that they are real pleasure-givers and worshippers… two things that very much appeal to me. I don’t know if I could be into humiliating, but being served, pampered, loved on, worshipped, mmmm yes please. To be someone’s queen or… ummm… Empress… hot.

        So when you have an orgasm, you cease being submissive? Did I understand that right? I know very little about this whole D/s world but I dig it… from both perspectives (I might be a switch).

        Thanks again for being so candid. 😊

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Thank you, TJ.

          I do really enjoy pampering a Queen/Empress and it is very hot. The status differential is another part that feeds into what I do and it adds to a sense of humility (even in the absence of humiliation). I like to see her as being above me and the focus of my world. One of the reasons I keep talk like that to a minimum is that there is actually a lot of backlash against it in the Femdom community, as “pedestaling” is frequently seen as a negative that puts unfair pressure upon a Domme. The balance of people who enjoy it and those who decry it have my treading a fine line sometimes if I am trying to write something that will appeal to most people within the demographic.

          You are correct about the orgasm. It is easiest if you think about it like this: I am two people, each with their own independent ways of thinking and processing the world. One of them is a regular man and the other is a sub. I can only be one or the other at any time and never both. If I am currently the sub and I have an orgasm, I will revert back to being the regular man and I will not be able to be the sub again for a random amount of time, usually in the range of 2 to 72 hours. If I am in regular man mode, I can still do the things the sub does, but it won’t have the same level of enthusiasm or neurotic level of focus and the service/attentiveness will be of lesser quality since the man carries all of the stress and noise of the outside world with it.

          There are techniques used to maintain prostate health such as milking and ruined orgasms that cause the prostate to expel it fluid but without the orgasm or resulting crash out of submissive mode.

          This crash is pretty much universal for nearly all male subs which is one of the reason that orgasm denial and chastity are so popular in Femdom D/s.

          Oddly enough, when it comes to female subs, only a small percentage of them experience a similar crash due to orgasms and for some of them, an orgasm may actually increase the intensity of their submissive feelings.

          I hope this clarifies things.

          Take care.

          Liked by 2 people

        2. Fair enough… as long as you are writing something true to yourself. I can see how “pedestaling” would put extra pressure on a Domme, I suppose. I am still learning….

          As for your orgasm reverting you back to being “regular”… I think I understand now. Makes sense. Something similar happens to me once I have an orgasm… I lose interest in being sexual for a while because there is no more tension…. I guess. Sexuality is weird lol Thankfully… keeps life interesting. 😉 Thank you once again!

          Liked by 1 person

        3. Thank you, TJ.
          I do always write about things that are true to me. Even if I am writing about things that I do not do nor believe in, a part of me is someone that contrasts ideas and tries to teach/assist others.

          I think there are a few more reasons that people are anti-pedestaling, but that one is one of the more common reasons.

          People have theorized quite a bit about and attempted to science the explanation for the male submissive crash following an orgasm. I do know that a male orgasm causes a rush of neurohormones that affect the brain’s chemical balance and resulting behavior. It makes it rough because it is difficult to maintain the same desire to submit/serve. I believe this is one of the reasons that chastity is so common in D/s relationships.

          Interestingly, the same level of analysis isn’t done on female orgasms.

          Take care. Thank you for having questions about it all 🙂

          Liked by 2 people

        4. Well, if you have any more questions, do feel free to ask 🙂

          I get fascinated by sexuality, especially how it works for Dommes and their dominant mental space. As soon as I think I have a basic understanding of one type, a new type seems to show up and open up another realm to explore and learn about. It’s quite interesting.

          Take care.

          Like

        5. I will definitely come back with more questions. I am still learning about myself and discovering what I am… which is like going through a labryrinth blind-folded which is fun and terrifying as fuck lol I could very well be a Domme… but I am also submissive. Depends on the person evoking the feelings I guess. But in practice, I am a sub with major fantasies of being Domme…. I definitely have both energies… that is one thing of which I am certain. Everything else… who the hell knows lol

          Liked by 1 person

        6. Switching is a perfectly viable option as well 🙂

          I know for a lot of people it requires the right sort of scenarios to appeal to either side.

          I use writing erotica at times to try and simulate what certain experiences would be like in my head. The results can be rather interesting at times. Trying to write from a Domme’s POV did open up a lot of insights for me.

          Liked by 1 person

        7. Oh yeah… I have recurring themes alright… some that shock me and make me blush with shame after I have gotten off to them. Then I forgive myself because fantasies are the only place where you can explore the forbidden without consequence, right?

          Liked by 1 person

        8. It is good that you can forgive yourself. That is something I never learned to do and I know that that lack of forgiveness has contributed to the strength and intensity of my fetishes. That a very good skill to have.

          That is very true about fantasies being the safe place to explore.

          Like

        9. Indeed!!! Writing erotica along with cyber/online play allowed me to safely test the waters with ideas before getting myself into a scenario I might totally dislike. That’s part of what started my writing with any regularity. 🙂

          Liked by 2 people

  4. I have read and reread what you wrote
    Thank you for sharing opening a little part of your life to other
    I am amazed how what u share has touch me
    Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Excellent question. I actually haven’t really thought about guilt that much.

      There was a time when I was much younger where I felt guilt but as time has gone on it has shifted. I think that guilt comes from feeling like I could have/would have/should have done something differently. After battling with various parts of myself for 25+ years I have come to accept that this is how I am, even if I am embarrassed by how I am.

      I think the other factor is that when I was younger I felt like I should have known enough to be able to steer myself away from this path. What I have come to terms with is that back then I didn’t know what was going on or what it was going to do.

      I hope that makes sense.

      Liked by 1 person

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