Something that I have been struggling with lately is the battle between my two submissive mental spaces.
- There is my service-side.
- There is my emotional masochist side.
Each of these spaces has a distinctly different feel to them and an entirely separate set of preferences, ideals, and philosophies that govern them.
My service side wants to give and give and give and feels fulfilled and proud of being able to do this well. This is the place that my confidence as a sub comes from. This is the part of me that feels appealing as a sub. I need this part of me in order to feel good about myself.
My emotional masochist side merely wants to exist. It wants attention but wants to avoid being the center of attention. It wants to be acknowledged, but not as an equal. If I neglect this part of me, I will eventually begin to wilt inside and spiral into a bad place. A part of me hates that I need this. Having to ask for it makes me feel like a “do me” sub. When I feel the need brewing, my instinct is to “wish it away” more than vocalize it.
Momentum of any given day tends to skew things towards one or the other, but rarely both. My perceptions of my spaces are shifting little by little but causing its own set of struggles. If the emotional masochist gets the focus, I lose faith in my service side. If the service side gets the focus, I slowly go crazy.
I haven’t been able to find a balance lately.