I lost my train of thought while writing Post 551 and never managed to circle back in the way that I had hoped.
Over the years I have become well aware of the tug of war between my mental spaces that encompass my service submission and my emotional masochism. There is no real balance. Neglect the service and I feel like I have no value. Neglect the emotional masochist and I slowly erode and eventually break down. This struggle isn’t a new phenomenon, this is just the most recent episode of what has been an ongoing issue for over a decade.
So far, the only way I have been able to marry the two spaces together is in fantasy. I wrote a simulation of this in the form of an erotica that combined the service with the humiliation. That is my comfort zone. where I am allowed feel fulfilled and have my needs met.
Unfortunately, that form of reality has eluded me. For the most part, this would involve killing off the parts of me that behave like a normal human and that feels like a very unreasonable expectation, even if it would give me that balance that I seek so deeply.