553. The Evolving Narrative

I have pretty much given up on the idea of healing certain parts of my damage.  These are the parts that I have been able to integrate into my submission and I honestly find them… addictive to have to face them within the confines of my submission.  Facing the damage head on acts as fuel for the submissive feeling set that I deeply desire and continuously chase.

Something was pointed out to me last week and the reality of my experiences are forcing my inner narrative to shift a bit.  The change is positive, although I would not classify it as “healing.”

For most of my life, I felt like what I am, what I need, and what I desire made me disgusting.  The vision that I would imagine from the outside looking in was someone being utterly disgusted and offended that I exist that they would honestly wish that I did not and that they were never exposed to knowing about it.  Brain bleach.  Erasure.

Through this simulation I could always imagine two outcomes as they attempted to deal with knowing:

  1. To “dilute” the knowledge by sharing it with others, so that knowing becomes a common experience that can be collectively forgotten until it is a faint memory that can eventually be laughed off at a later date.  A byproduct of this is that I would become “dead to them” as a person.
  2. To simply shut the memory out and permanently remove themselves from anything that might trigger its memory.  In this outcome I would again cease to exist to them beyond this point.

Basically, it always looped back to the unpleasantness of being removed from someone’s life.  Granted, this fear was mostly in regards to “women in general,” but that fear was strong enough to color my views of revealing things about myself to women in the kink community (men in the community are far less likely to want to be friends with me).

Over the past year I have opened up in great detail about the darkness of my submission to a number of people that I have met and grown close to locally.  In some cases, they’ve caught some glimpses of what that I am like on the fringes of my space or gotten nibbles and samples of what it might be like to feast upon me.

What I cannot argue is that the reactions to me have been different than the fears I outlined above.  There have been three basic reaction types:

  1. Pity and sympathy (this happened once).
  2. Neo-feministic disgust at how pathetic and fragile masculinity is and the fact that this is terrifying to me.
  3. They look at me like they’ve located a magical weakness and eye me up like I’m a piece of meat and they are a predator that hasn’t feasted in days.

If this continues, I know that my inner narrative will shift.  Rejection and abandonment are not what I should expect.  Instead I should expect to be seen as pathetic and/or amusing.  I should expect a loss of respect for me as a person as I become something lesser in their eyes.  While they may still use me as a resource, it is clear that what I am is something different after this point:  I am a poster-child for the effects of toxic masculinity.  I am a target for personal amusement as they press my weaknesses for entertainment.

I’m not disgusting and I don’t offend them with my existence.  My presence is encouraged since they can twist me up whenever they want or ignore me if they choose to.  I should learn to accept that once they know me, I will become their own little sideshow that exists to counteract boredom.

This is an upgrade.

9 thoughts on “553. The Evolving Narrative

      1. “Baby steps” was exactly the phrase that popped into my head here, too.

        Cutie—I love seeing your inner narrative evolve in positive ways.

        And Sweetgirl, never fear—he is surrounded by a large number of friends who don’t just accept him but actively cherish him for who and what he is. He’s learning how to live in that world, which clashes sharply with the narrative that has been a bedrock constant of his life until now.

        One step at a time.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I love reading your blogs as a vanilla person who found insight into this D/s mindset fascinating, especially when you wrote regularly a while back, but I must say you seem self-indulgent in wallowing here. Please do not be offended as I am not saying you are actually engaging in self-pity here, but think about that you write this blog where so many people support you in correspondence. Rationally, not all of them are disgusted or amused (in a negative sense) or whatever by you.are, and surely a subset of them would accept you to at least some degree in your presence, whether “vanilla” people of just some “kinky” people. There is a disconnect it seems between the affection you receive here and your self-image that gives me as a reader a sense of cognitive dissonance for myself, let alone for you! Perhaps that is the nature of mental illness or deep scarring from the past, but seeing you from the outside does not add up with you have think you are perceived from the inside. You are very intelligent and probably know this already, but I had to point it out as a kind of dopeslap to you! There are always haters, but if you are not hurting anyone and they are not hurting you, why such self-mortification more than any other minority group who has its haters? I wish you well and that you could be well!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Gary.

      I struggle a lot with self-image and have for as long as I can remember. Much of that self-image has been fueled by negative experiences, with the rest being a product of fear and self-loathing. The poor self-image became a sort of armor: expecting the worst to dull the pain of it actually occurring.

      The blogging community here has been very supportive. The people who are close to me are very supportive. I’m not yet brave enough to discard the armor, but repetition of positive experiences have been helping on that front (although slowly).

      These past writings have been sourced from a point of depression starting to set in and feeling like my kink is “malfunctioning” a bit.
      Basically, I am somewhat dependent upon having a set of negative feelings to fuel my submissive feelings. This is new territory for me so I am feeling my way in the dark. It will take some time for my brain to come to grips with a reality that is different than the one I have come to rely upon.

      I hope this makes sense.

      Take care. Thank you for writing.

      Like

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