559. Thoughts on “Owning it”

This is a follow-up to my last post.

I’ve been thinking more about the healing potential of people owning their inner demons rather than overcoming them.  I know that this is something that I have experienced in some ways.  I can’t re-write how my inner-truths work but I can come to terms with them and accept them as a part of me.

The healing that happens is because of the “outcome.”  There is no rejection.  There is acceptance.  The aftercare makes it feel okay to be that way.  Using the slut example from 558 again, it is during aftercare that someone can be taught to value being a slut and trust that it is what their dominant wants them to be.  It may never erase the ability of the word slut to be used in an act of emotional sadism, but it will alleviate some of the guilt and shame that may have been carried within for years.

Traditionally, this isn’t the way we think about healing.  I usually picture a healed situation as someone knowing they aren’t a slut, not simply being comfortable with being a slut, but I may have to revise my beliefs a bit.

When you look at it through other examples, it can sometimes look more like healing within the options that are reasonably available.  If a guy has a 1″ penis (when hard), it would be dishonest for him to think it isn’t small, so the “healing” route is to own it and feel okay with having a 1″ penis.

I believe the aftercare portion is a large reason for a disproportionately large number of male emotional masochists out there.  Women are more apt to be able to find partners to explore this with and also to be able to demand and receive aftercare that goes along with it.  By contrast, the experience for men is often more solitary.  Most will never have experience with a Domme, let alone one that will provide them with continual and consistent aftercare.  Also, even if they do find one, there are the behavioral patterns that occurred up until that point.  If a male sub has fantasized about being humiliated or degraded for a particular reason say, 500+ times before they ever encounter a Domme, there is probably a deeply ingrained shame/guilt base that accompanies it: feeling fucked up about it, wanting to feel “normal,” etc.

If you think about it, these experiences involve emotional masochism without aftercare and a potentially negative/destructive aftermath.  I have to believe that repeated experiences like these make “getting over it” nearly impossible, leaving “owning it” the only choice with a positive outcome.

I’m realizing now I should probably rethink when and how I steer people away from delving into emotional masochism/sadism activities.  I’m guessing there will be more posts on this topic in the future

4 thoughts on “559. Thoughts on “Owning it”

  1. These two posts are very good. You have the knack of knocking some of my own thoughts into better shape.

    In the frame of reference that you use the terms, they are very much two different things, although I think that when you’re down amongst the weeds it’s hard to see the difference and which is most appropriate for your own needs.

    Certainly I have aspects of me where I’ve ‘owned it’ and other aspects where I’ve needed to ‘heal’. I can’t off hand think of an aspect where both have applied. I suspect that it’s an either / or thing.

    When it comes to ‘owning it’, I can see two sub-categories. Either where there’s something that you can’t be healed or cured, or where it’s about acceptance of a specific aspect. Being trans is something for which there is no healing cure, to come to terms with it I’ve had to own it. On the other hand, the long years of being in chastity is something where I either sunk into the shame or gained strength from accepting this was a major part of me – I had no desire to be healed of it.

    Where healing has been important is in winnowing away all those false and shame inducing labels and behaviours that can be forced on you, that you put up with for the sake of the attention you derive from them. You’re right that male subs are more likely to have quite deeply ingrained shame triggers and behaviours before they ever meet a domme.

    The path I took through the online world bombards people like me with overt and subliminal messages to the effect that I was supposed to be a sissy and added words like beta, cuck, loser in that messaging – oh, and slut 😉. I knew this wasn’t me but for the longest time had no reference as to where my path needed to go. My mistress started the healing process that allowed me to confidently (eventually) reject those terms and the expected associated behaviour.

    Very thoughtful stuff. 🌹

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you.

      I very much agree with you that it is an either/or situation. I know that two of the people in mind are not actually emotional masochists but are wanting to “experiment” with this in regards to lifelong weight battles and body image issues. My initial reaction was to say, “it isn’t safe to go there,” but now I am thinking that owning it may be a viable option if they are prepared for what it means.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Forgive me: I know this isn’t post-specific.
    I’ve been looking for a good femdom blog for a while now, but found many of them hard to relate to because they don’t reflect my experience in the slightest: Although there is nothing wrong with them, most of them are written by women who married and then were introduced to femdom by their husbands, in a happy, fun process. The ones written by men that I found were usually hyper-fixated on the mechanics of chastity or glowing reports of what they did with their wives over the weekend.

    I know that coming from the domme side of the equation means I’ve experienced some vast differences. I do see much more stigma surrounding submissive men than dominant women. However, I also realized that I had D/s desires, deeper than just sexual attraction, I think, at a young age and spent years shoving them down in shame. I fear constantly when I reveal to someone my desires that I will be viewed as a curiosity he can laugh with his friends about at best and a freakish creep at worst. I also identify very strongly with the concept of meta-kinks, your stance on WOPE and WIPE…. I’m not going to ramble on too long!

    I don’t mean to celebrate any of these problems, and I know that you don’t either. But it’s such a relief to read: I am not, in fact, crazy, or at least alone in my craziness. Assuaging my anxieties aside,your thoughtful and systemic analysis is exactly what I was looking for, and I plan to keep reading!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for the kind words.

      I have also struggled at times to find blogs that I could relate to over the years. I’m glad that my writing resonates with you.

      It’s unfortunate that you have struggled with shame about your desires. I can relate strongly to the anxious rush that occurs when revealing things to people for the first time. It can be quite a bit harder if you meet potential partners in the vanilla realm rather than those who are already kinky, kink-friendly, or kink-aware. I also know it is often easier for those who keep their D/s and BDSM activities separate from romantic relationships since it is relatively easy to track down a never-ending supply of willing bodies to serve their purpose. It is much harder to find a partner that you can click with on many levels, including both kinky and non-kinky interests.

      Thank you for writing.

      Take care.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s