For a brief personal update, my depression is flaring up in a really bad way. Also, my sub side has yet to return while on the meds, but I finally have a topic spinning around my head that I wanted to write about. For ease, I will be writing this from the view of my old self, not the current one.
A local Domme friend has been involved with a male sub for a couple of months now. While she was initially excited about the relationship, that excitement has waned a bit, into a sort of impatience bordering on disappointment as he has continuously failed to reach certain benchmarks that she had set out for him. Quite possibly the biggest concern to her is that after several months of regular contact and life-mingling, he has yet to be able to convey his submissive wants/needs to her. At the rate things are going, this probably will not happen and the relationship will falter. Basically, he agonizes when he tries to reveal anything about it in his own words and then is unable to speak.
From a simple black and white perspective, this may seem somewhat silly. “Dude, you have her, she wants to know what you want and need and will be accepting of you, so just tell her.” As I can relate to this situation a bit, I believe it’s a lot more complicated than people can realize when it comes to male subs and their kinks.
The first obstacle that comes to mind is that there isn’t much of a middle ground. If you are open and forthcoming about your desires, you run the risk of being labeled as thirsty, insistent, selfish, clueless, or overbearing. Any of these will spread rather rampantly through the Domme community and can decimate your reputation before you even speak to another. The alternative plan is to hold the desires back and patiently wait for an opening where it is appropriate to reveal them. Said opening may never occur. Another aspect of the alternative plan is that you have to be interesting and have enough social competence to maintain meaningful progressive contact. This often requires approaching the contact from your “vanilla self” and can make it difficult to grasp the opportunities that arise, in addition to making it difficult to present your submissive side.
I should note, that while the alternative plan may work in theory, it ignores a person’s experiences, history, and trauma they may have when it comes to approaching a Domme. Namely, the more failures a person endures, the more difficult it becomes to repeat the process.
The second major obstacle is that if your kink set includes things that go beyond the widespread acceptable fare, it’s really difficult to feel okay about your kinks. It takes about 2 minutes of browsing Femdom groups on Fetlife to find a slew of Dommes with overtly negative or hostile attitudes towards interests that aren’t physical pain or domestic service.
“You’re into chastity? You must think everything is all about your dick.”
“You want to be feminized? That’s disgusting and misogynistic. Where are all the actual men?”
“You like being humiliated? It’s pathetic how you think that everything is supposed to be about you. No one gains anything from doing that.”
A lot of these attitudes have been cultivated over years, but it is often to an extent where no one is given the benefit of the doubt. It’s not even okay to talk about it.
If you’re exposed to this over an extended period of time, it’s easy to feel like you don’t belong anywhere. There’s often so much talk in the community about the prying eyes and judgment of society, but from my experiences, the actual damage comes more heavily from judgment and shaming within the community.
This is something I’ve dealt with for 15+ years and it has affected me deeply. I feel like shit about my kinks. I’m ashamed of them. I wish that I didn’t have them and/or that they were different. All of the negative feedback I have seen and heard over the years makes me worry that no one would ever want me as a sub or a partner.
Even knowing that there are dark Dommes that seek out the type of sub that I am is not enough to erase the negative feelings that have developed over time. The worries have become ingrained. I can understand why that sub is struggling with revealing himself. I still experience psychological pain that manifests itself as physical anguish, when I reveal myself to someone. The terror is real.
At the same time, I wouldn’t choose to do what he is doing. “Abnormal” kinks only work as a deterrent from getting your foot in the door, and once someone has an interest in you, they are curious about understanding it. Every time you reveal yourself it is a gamble. When you feel bad about your kinks, the gamble feels like it has only two possible outcomes:
- They will reject you completely because of them.
- They will barely tolerate the kinks.
The reality of it is more complex than that. Most of the time that I reveal myself nowadays, it is to friends I have made in the local community. Even with a rational understanding that it isn’t a binary outcome, I still hesitate and agonize over the possibility that doing so will torpedo the friendship completely (or galvanize it if it is successful). Most of the time, people are just supportive of who I am and wish that sharing myself wasn’t so painful.
Something else that comes to mind is that I wonder if I am addicted to revealing myself. On some level I crave the anguish of the moment and that plays into my emotional masochism. When I think about it more deeply, I don’t think it is that simple. I think that I crave the connections that grow close enough for the revealing to happen. I also crave the acceptance of those people of who and what I am, even if I don’t think that is possible until it happens.