I should probably just go to bed right now, but I’m feeling raw and exposed in a way that I haven’t felt in a long time. I’m aware that I am insecure. It’s a consistent characteristic rooted in how I feel about myself.
I’m afraid that I’m not someone that people would want to know or talk to or be around.
That fuels a desperate need to have a reason for people to want to know me, talk to me, or be around me. I need to be impressive in some way. I need to offer something. I need to add something tangible to their lives. If I don’t do that, then why would they want to do any of those things?
This part of me is broken. It’s also part of what makes/made me a good sub. It’s messed up like that. I take solace in this insecurity. It is a part of my equilibrium. Part of that equilibrium involves driving myself harder and farther than anyone else in everything I do.
This isn’t new… it has been a part of me for as long as I can humanly remember. Unreasonable expectations from my parents during my childhood were probably starting point. Not being able to earn validation even when pushing myself to meet and exceed those unrealistic expectations is what solidified it.
If I do everything expected of me and it still isn’t good enough, then what? Do more than what is expected. Do everything possible that can be thought of. Do things that they didn’t realize they wanted or needed. Become indispensable.
That is how my submissive side thinks/thought. That is how it would approach everything. When I think about it, it’s not just my sub side that feels the need to do that. My standard non-sub self feels that way, too. I’m really insecure. So insecure it’s almost comical. If a character on a sit-com or a movie were written that way, I’m sure people would laugh.
There’s something inherently cruel to others about this insecurity. It’s the cruelest to the people I am closest to. I feel fucked up knowing this. If someone I am close to tries to make me feel good enough, I find that unbelievable. I feel like they are just being kind and saying something nice to make me feel better. It can’t be true.
Total strangers or people I barely know are the only ones that can validate me in a way that is sating.
Rationally, I know that the opinions of strangers should mean less to me than the people that are a regular part of my life. Really, to the people that care about me, I owe them that much. I really do. Knowing this fucks me up pretty badly.
I know the reason that it works this way in this messed up psyche of mine. Strangers are “everyone.” Strangers represent everyone in the whole world that isn’t a regular part of my life.
It sounds so stupid when I actually put it out there.
The people who are close to me are just being kind. If person X that I have never spoken to thinks this of me, then everyone else in the world must think this of me. If everyone else in the world thinks that of me, then it must be true, right?
Of course that isn’t true, that’s stupid. You can’t tell my insecurity that, though, it is absolutely convinced that the world works that way.
What sucks about right now is that I am working under the assumption that my submissive mental space will return. Rationally, I know that my life and my happiness are better off if I get over this insecurity. My submissive pride screams, “no, don’t you dare think that way!”
That pride’s existence is rooted in the fact that I have to be amazing at everything I do, constantly honing my craft and improving and being better at it next time than last time. It needs to anticipate things before they are asked for. It needs to imagine pleasing and pleasurable things to do before they even know they want it or would even think to ask for it. It needs a constantly escalating set of expectations with an ever-rising bar that can never be cleared, because if that keeps up indefinitely, I will eventually become perfect, right?
Sometimes I wonder if insecurity is the worst or best thing that I could be. I honestly don’t know. Maybe some strangers who represent everyone else in the entire world will chime in here and tell me which one it is so that I can figure it out.