Originally posted on Fetlife
Lately I feel like I have some friendships forming with other males for the first time in a long time. It has been over a decade since that happened. It’s not that I’m opposed to those friendships, it’s just far more difficult for me to open up in them and develop the same type of trust. Most times, that limits things to the acquaintance level.
A part of me feels disgusted with myself that I struggle with carrying prejudices against the group that I am one of. Another part of me feels that makes complete sense.
My “peer group” was the face of both emotional and physical abuse to me for many years. On top of that were the betrayals and losses of trust. And on top of that I know there are people who will struggle to trust me and hesitate to get close to me because they inherently distrust what I am. I am angry at my “peer group” for making life harder for me in that regard.
The reality of it is that I will be a better person if I try to get over this fear and start giving people the benefit of the doubt. Wishing people to not be be afraid of me while I act with preemptive fear to others makes me a hypocrite. There’s nothing in me that makes me special enough for anyone to take that chance. Some of them do, though, and I love them for it.
I feel like it is a step towards healing if I wait for them to give me a reason not to trust them rather than waiting for “enough” evidence to trust them. I know that is the bar by which I would hope to be measured by.
I still have a lot of work to do on myself.