578. WTF Sexuality?

Originally posted on Fetlife

Trying to understand my sexuality was a lot easier when I was younger. Even though none of the words truly fit what I felt like I was, there were only a handful of words to choose from. Straight, Gay, Bi. Boom. Easy. Pick the one that is closest and run with it without ever having to think about it ever again.

I have been thinking about it again lately and it’s not so easy. I wrote about being sub-sexual a few days ago, but that doesn’t seem to fit within the current vernacular or existing models and theories of sexuality, so while it works for me, I don’t know if that description is adequate enough for others. It also doesn’t describe all of me.

I know without a doubt that I am heteroromantic.

When we get into the parts that end with -sexual, I honestly have no clue.

I know what I think pretty is. Pretty doesn’t arouse me, I just think someone is pretty. Honestly, what pretty primarily does for me is give me a rational basis for whether they feel approachable or not. If someone is too pretty I just figure they have no interest in talking to me. Even though I’m just trying to be polite or friendly, my brain says, “I’m sure they get more attention than they care to have, so I should probably stay away and only talk to them if they talk to me first.”

It takes a lot for me to be attracted to someone. I have to really understand the core of their being. Their nature. Their heart. I actually don’t even know if attracted is the right word. When I “desire” someone, I desire to spend time with them, desire share things with them, and if we grow close enough, I desire to share my life/home/etc. with them. I guess this would make me demiromantic, too. However, I never have a desire to have intercourse with them.

I can only think of about five times in my entire life where I really wanted to have intercourse with someone. It was with partners that I was in long-term relationships with and those moments were heavily fetish-driven and abnormal for me. I don’t really enjoy intercourse that much. I do because partners enjoy it and I am capable of doing it, but I don’t feel any kind of animal instinct about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love sex. But to me, sex means that I am going to give someone a hundred orgasms. I desire to do that. I feel great when I do that. I feel happy and fulfilled when I do that. I feel I have worth when I do that. Most of the time when I do that, it happens without my penis ever entering them. This is the type of sex I desire (frequently as part of my submission).

I like having orgasms. Occasionally. It feels nice. When it is intense, I feel a large emotional release occur. I also turn into the worst version of myself afterwards. I feel disconnected. I feel like I want to be solitary. I often feel ashamed at what it took for me to climax. When I am feeling intensely connected and intimate with someone, I prefer not to have an orgasm. The brief period of euphoria during ejaculation is not worth the loss of my intimacy.

Honestly, half of the time that I have orgasms it is for maintenance purposes. If I go too long without, my lower back muscles seize up. My SI joints lock up badly. The muscles swell. My gluts and hip flexors get inflamed. This leads to neck tightness and migraines. If it continues for long enough, the pain gets severe. It hurts to sit. I can’t sleep. I get irritable. I would say that over half of my orgasms are done simply to fix these physical problems.

I call myself sub-sexual because submission is the one way that I know I can get turned on. I only have desire to be submissive to people I care deeply about and share an amazing connection with. Does that make my submissive side demisexual?

I seriously don’t know what I am and I don’t have an adequate enough vocabulary to figure it out. Is there a word out there that I can use to describe myself with? Does anyone know what that word is?

My brain spins when I can’t adequately articulate or understand myself with words. Someone please help me here.

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