I originally composed these tips and posted them back in April 2010. They get linked to quite a bit, so I hope that others will find them helpful.
Over the years I’ve had my fair share of good luck when it comes to successfully courting Dommes and I’ve given out quite a bit of advice to subs looking to court Dommes. I consider myself to be average to below average when it comes to my looks and physical attractiveness, job quality, etc. so I must have done something right in making a good impression.
Now that I have a blog I figured I would post my advice in full. I covered several of these a little over a week ago but I figure they could easily have their own post.
1. Be courteous, respectful, and have good manners.
This should probably go without saying but one of the biggest turn-offs many Dommes have are subs who fail to meet these basic requirements. This is the most important thing in making a good first impression. If you are contacting them through an adult dating site, make sure you read her entire profile first and adhere to any requirements she might have. Write out a well-thought message (complete with spell check) that indicates what you find interesting about her (aside from her looks and your fantasy) and what you have to offer. Do not send a picture of your penis unless she specifically requests it. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to be a perfect gentleman.
Most Dommes on adult dating sites receive 20-300 messages per day from potential subs, 90% of which are disrespectful, thoughtless, or downright crude. If you are approaching a Domme in public (at a munch, play party etc.) you have to be twice as well-behaved since there is only a limited chance that she is actually looking for a sub. If she says no, be courteous and get out of her face. If you don’t, you can basically assume you will be blacklisted within that community.
2. Be a real person.
No one is “just a sub” all the time. No Domme is “just a Domme” all the time. Even if both of you are seeking a 24-7 lifestyle relationship, you have to come off as more than just a live in servant (unless that is specifically what she is looking for). Have interests. Have feelings. Have dreams. Have goals. Have a personality. Have a sense of humor. Just like in vanilla relationships, all of these things will be important if you want to be an appealing life partner.
If you are as interesting as a box of hair, expect to be discarded as easily as a box of hair. She won’t want to be burdened by having to keep you occupied and entertained all day every day. That is higher maintenance than being needy.
What are your favorite movies? Books? Music? Hobbies? Sports?
If you can pique her interest as a person, you are much more likely to succeed in winning her over. If you are smart, funny, and caring it will go a long ways.
3. Have a philosophy and a good grasp of yourself.
It’s easy to think about the sub you want to be. Hell, most subs have probably fantasized about Femdom situations for years before they act upon them. If you haven’t thought about it, think about it. If you have thought about it, refine it a little more.
Step One: Define your idealized form of submission.
If she is the right match for you, your ideal and her ideal will likely coincide. This is not about what kind of play you enjoy or what kind of kinky fantasies you wish to have. Dommes an advantage since they can have rather meticulous expectations for a sub. Think about what types of characteristics and responsibilities those entail. Should a sub perform all of the household chores and domestic duties? Should a sub have any expectations of rewards or pleasures? Should a sub expect to be treated as a lover?
There is no right or wrong (although some of them should be obvious), but more a matter of preference. If your view of being a sub involves few responsibilities, you will probably be looking for a less strict Domme or a switch. If your view of being a sub involves extensive micro-management, that will be targeted towards a particular type of Domme. Some Dommes want a sub that is their lover, others may want a strict code of Mistress/servant formality. D/s relationships that work out generally will have idealized ideas of submission that share similar traits.
Step Two: Realistically evaluate yourself in regards to your ideal.
Unless you want to be accused of a bait & switch, you should probably have an honest evaluation of how close you are to your own ideal. If you believe you should be doing all the housework but don’t know how to clean an oven, you should probably note that (e.g. “I will need training before I can perform at an acceptable level”). If where you stand now is light years away from your ideal, I would recommend doing a lot of self-improvement work to get closer because unless you’re just an amazing guy with incredible magnetism, being too far removed will hurt your chances.
4. Be honest
Again, this is something I shouldn’t have to say but being realistic, It should be reiterated. Be absolutely honest at all times. If you are unsure or haven’t thought about something, say so. If there are things that you absolutely positively will never do (aka hard limits), be forthcoming about them if asked. Even the slightest fib or white lie will come back to haunt you in the long run if things actually work out. Dodging questions with passive aggressive answers in order to hide your true feelings and be more “appealing” also won’t fly well.
Always assume that the Domme finds the process of weeding through potential subs to be tedious and unpleasant. The least you can do is be honest with her, especially if she takes the time to contact you or reply to your contact.
5. Be flexible
Have an eagerness to learn and a willingness to try new things or even change yourself if needed. The D/s dynamic relies heavily upon compromise on the sub’s part. It’s good to have hard limits, but try to be open minded and keep it to a minimum. Most hard limits you might have will probably also be hard limits for a Domme. Things like scat play, beastiality, amputation, castration, involving minors, etc. are more commonly submissive male fetishes than they are Domme fetishes. You should have a list of hard limits, it’s the honest way to be, and if your hard limits include things that are considered taboo/extreme even by BDSM standards, it’s often a sign that your head is screwed on correctly.
It is okay to have a long list of soft limits that make you uncomfortable but you are willing to consider them if they are done on consensual terms. If you lack real life experience this might be a pretty big list, but keeping yourself open to experimenting will make you more appealing than a sub who is rigid and inflexible about many things.
Keep in mind that you aren’t choosing her, it’s up to whether or not she chooses you. If you are willing to completely restructure your life in order to march to the beat of her drum, more power to you (although it might come off as BS if you were to state that openly). The phrase “I don’t know, but I’m willing to try,” can go a long ways in making a good impression.
Aside from limits, the faster you are at learning and adapting, the better suited you will be towards a D/s relationship. This leads us to the next tip…
6. Separate yourself from the pack
Since it is up to her to choose you how do you get her to notice you?
The key here is to have or learn skills that will be useful and appealing. Many many subs will claim loyalty, devotion, obedience, etc. so unless you are extraordinarily wealthy, think about the things that she could want or need in addition to those things and aspire to become someone who can fulfill those desires. Your area probably has tons of adult education classes where you can develop new, useful skills.
A list of examples of things that can be learned with practice:
-Be proficient at cleaning.
-Be proficient at landscaping/yard work/gardening.
-Be proficient at laundry (including delicates, wools, etc.) and ironing.
-Know how to do at least simple household repairs.
-Be a good cook and capable of learning/perfecting her favorite dishes.
-Learn to give a good massage or even better, multiple types of massage (theraputic, relaxing, etc.).
-Learn to give a quality manicure/pedicure.
-Learn to tailor/sew/knit/etc.
-Learn to paint/draw/write.
A list of examples that take a bit more training but are definite pluses if you can do them:
7. Be grateful for every opportunity
It will most likely take you several attempts… if not dozens of attempts to get a Domme to give you a chance. Always show appreciation for being given the chance to make an impression even if she turns you down. While it will probably hurt, being thankful for having a Domme take the time to talk with your or write you back will hopefully leave a good impression. Things may change and she may give you another chance in the future or have a friend she thinks you are perfect for. Basically, don’t be pissed off or throw a tantrum because what seems like the end might not really be the end, or worst case, doing so may get you blacklisted in the community.
8. Don’t give up
By don’t give up I mean, don’t give up in general. If she tells you to stay away from her or quit sending her emails, then you best stay away from her and quit contacting her. However, always keep trying and make yourself available. If you continually better yourself and make yourself more appealing your chances will increase over time. It’s often random chance that puts you into a position to meet a Domme that is looking for a sub like you and you should be prepared for that day.
Taking a negative “fuck this, there’s no Dommes out there” attitude is very very very off-putting. No one will pity you, and any Dommes that see you like that probably won’t give you the time of day.
9. Don’t be desperate
Just like in vanilla dating, women can spot a desperate guy from a mile away. You don’t have to exude an over-whelming confidence, but don’t be so desperate that you’ll jump at anyone/anything that comes your way. Not only does this reflect poorly on you, but the worst thing you can do is to jump into a terrible situation and stick it out because of desperation. It will only end up with both of you being unhappy.
10. Be open about your fetishes and fantasies yet willing to compromise
Keep in mind you probably shouldn’t list off everything you would like to do/experience in a first contact. If things go well and she takes an interest in you, there’s a good chance she will ask about these. A good “fit” is important in long-term D/s relationships. It doesn’t take long by sharing your fetishes and fantasies with one another to see if there’s a chance that things could work out. If you absolutely positively need to have pegging but she holds a great dislike for pegging, you probably shouldn’t hop into a relationship together.
There will likely be certain fetishes that are less important to you. These may pop up as a reward every now and then but being willing to accept that they won’t happen increases your chances.
The more you can articulate about your fetishes the more likely they can work into your (potential) relationship. Like, it turns me on to be feminized and at the same time it makes me incredibly submissive, humiliated, and obedient and being feminized in public brings me great fear and agitation. If feminization doesn’t “do it” for her, she may still integrate it into the lifestyle as a punishment. Depending upon how she feels about each of your fetishes will determine whether or not they happen at all, happen frequently, happen as a reward, or happen as a punishment.
Having both parties knowing what to expect goes a long way in terms of compatibility.
11. Be thoughtful.
Being thoughtful goes a long way. During your initial contacts you may wish to ask some small questions that may appear random. What is her favorite color? What is her favorite candy? What kind of books and music does she like?
These might seem like rather innocuous questions but they can go a long way in making a first impression and maintaining a healthy relationship if you commit them to memory. At your next meeting show up with a flower or twelve that is her favorite color and a box of her favorite candy or a book or CD that you think she would enjoy (I would only stray into the latter two if you are knowledgeable in literature and music).
Showing her early that you listen and understand at least the basics of how to make a woman happy on day 1 will show you are more likely to be able to make her happy on day 395, day 1021, and so forth.
12. Listen before you speak.
Every courting process will be unique and different but one thing is universal: women prefer men who listen. This is something to be especially mindful of if you have a tendency to drone on about yourself or if this is one of the first Dommes to give you the time of day.
You will likely be faced with one of three scenarios:
a) She wants to know everything about you before she is willing to divulge anything about herself.
b) She wants to talk about herself before she wants to hear anything about you.
c) She wants to have a back and forth exchange over various things where you each share your views on particular topics in order to gauge your compatibility.
If you are faced with (a), ask her what she wold like to know about you. Answer thoroughly, concisely, and honestly and see what she would like to know next. If she says something very general like “tell me about yourself” this situation may not really be an (a) situation at all. A good way to test the waters is to rattle off something brief like “I’m X years old, I work in the field of Y, I have been in the lifestyle for Z years,” and then state you would like to know more about her. Based upon her response, you should have some idea on how to treat the situation.
If you are faced with (b), listen intently. Commit this information to memory. Your primary goal should be to absorb this information and memorize it. “I forgot you had said that” is a very ugly phrase for a sub to use. While she is speaking, DO NOT under any circumstances use this time to think about what you will say unless it directly pertains to what she is saying. It is acceptable to take mental notes you are interested in or would like her to elaborate upon. She likely wants you to do that and is probably gauging your reactions for a time to pause and see what you are interested in about her. If she says she loves books by Aldous Huxley and takes a great interest in Reiki and you have no idea who/what those are, ask her to tell you more about them. If you are familiar with those, say so and ask her what she finds interesting about them. This strategy for (b) should probably be used every time you speak with her and she is talking.
If you are faced with (c), this situation probably puts you in the greatest chance to fail. Men have a tendency to want to impress, but what will impress her most is honesty. If she brings up a topic that you haven’t thought about, have little to no experience in, or you are aware of it but aren’t sure of your thoughts on it, be honest about that. “I haven’t had much experience in but I would be interested in exploring that.” “I really haven’t thought about it but I will give it some serious consideration. How do you feel about it?”
If you are at least decent at thinking on your feet and have unsure thoughts about it, try to rattle off a few things you think would be positives about it. “Oh, male chastity? I’m not really sure but I think it would probably make me better behaved. What are your thoughts on it?”
Remember that the honesty rule still applies. If she seems to love something you absolutely hate, don’t just go along with it like it’s your favorite thing in the world. There’s a point where you may have to accept that the compatibility isn’t there and things aren’t going to work.
On the chance that you have made a good enough impression on her to where you hate a few things she loves and she still finds you worthy, she may be willing to compromise her own desires a bit. While this may feel inherently wrong, if that is really what she wants it is okay to let this happen. You may tell her that you think it’s okay for her to still play with others to get her fix in those activities.
13. Be realistic about the outcome and know how to walk away if you have to.
Certain issues can make a relationship incompatible. Assuming that you can spot these factors out of the gate whether they are a personal issue, have to do with schedules and time, or that simply your BDSM needs are simply too far removed from one another, it’s important to know when it’s best for both of you to just say no.
If it’s obviously not going to work, let her down like a gentleman. Thank her for taking the time to get to know you, wish her well, and if both parties seemed compatible on a personal level, you may wish to continue communicating as friends. It is hurtful and a waste of her time and energy if you put in a half-hearted effort when the situation is doomed from the start.
DO NOT part ways with a fake smile and an empty promise to call. This is probably the rudest and most disrespectful action that you can undertake. Ignoring/blocking her phone calls, failing to reply to emails or blowing her off, etc. is a chickenshit way to be and if I was in her shoes I’d want to track you down and punch you in the face.
If you ever wonder why Dommes tend to get a bit jaded in their search, about half of their frustrations probably come from filtering through the subs that are a pure waste of time and the other half, from subs who show promise but turn passive-aggressive and jerk them around without being honest about their feelings. If you can’t say “no” to her face because you think you’re being a jerk, you’re a bigger jerk if you say “yes” to her face and then “no” with your actions.