594. Thoughts on the Current Trends in Gentle Femdom (and Sadism)

I will start out by saying that I have no problems at all with gentle Femdom or gentle dominance. I think gentle dominance is a perfectly good thing for people to want to partake in and enjoy. I do think it is better suited for subs that submit and do what they want to do and like doing and what they like doing aligns with what the dominant wants.

Historically speaking, gentle Femdom hasn’t been a good match for me because I was the type of sub that dissociates into a submissive mental space and my submission was heavily fueled by experiencing things that I do not like nor want and that usually requires a hefty dose of sadism.

With that in mind, what I generally find most interesting about gentle Femdom is that when it becomes popular on a widespread level at a given time, it is usually in response to other socio-political factors. The first time I saw gentle Femdom spike in popularity (circa ~2006-2008) it was due to something that I refer to as “porn backlash,” in that a large number of newer dominants reacting to the common contemporary Femdom porn of that time. Basically, they didn’t like how Femdom was portrayed in porn and they wanted to be something entirely different. In some cases this included a focus on avoiding insecurity or imposter syndrome with the role that could occur due to exposure to said porn.

I had a conversation a few weeks ago with a friend where we talked about the decline in popularity of what I would call “Old School Femdom Sadism” and the current spike in popularity of gentle Femdom. This time around, much of the popularity seems to be fueled by contemporary radical feminism. In these circles, old school Femdom sadism is viewed as Dommes imitating the toxic domineering behaviors of men in a patriarchal system. Thus, gentle Femdom is an attempt to deconstruct those behaviors and dismantle old systems. While I can completely see the validity of someone choosing to approach dominance this way, I also feel a bit unsettled by it.

I am of the belief that we don’t choose our kinks. Sometimes they are just there and we can’t explain them. Other times they are the result of our life experiences and our damage. I have rarely encountered anyone who ever chose to need kinks that would be taboo or stigmatized outside of BDSM circles.

I think why I get unsettled is due to the current verbiage that gets used with gentle Femdom. I have heard people say, “Women don’t want to be mean, cruel, and feared, they want to be (insert gentle dominance descriptor here).” That phrasing gives connotations that a woman that wants to be mean, cruel, and feared is doing something wrong. In turn, it also holds connotations that subs who want a woman to be mean, cruel, and fear-inducing are wanting something wrong. I would be less concerned if it was presented in statements like, “This is the way that I choose to do it because it is what I prefer.”

I know a number of dominant women that really like being mean, cruel, and feared and at least one of them has told me that they have started hiding the extent of their sadism around others, so I feel like I’m not the only one that is reading into the phrasings used right now.

I don’t really have a point to all of this, it’s just something that has been on my mind for a few months and wanted to put it out there since it is a change in how things have been.

I for one think that mean, cruel, fear-inducing women are awesome, particularly so when they embrace those qualities. I do know that it isn’t a good fit for everyone. I also don’t want anyone to feel like it is wrong to want it. Unfortunately I’m not good at actualizing some of my own advice, so I am struggling with feeling like I am inherently wrong for wanting it (which I am also aware is part of the moral scrupulosity I experience with my OCD).

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