I had two encounters today that got my brain swirling on this subject for the first time in a while. Sometimes I feel like it’s too easy to forget that there are fundamentally different views when the people you surround yourself tend to share yours.
One of the two encounters was reading someone’s statement that they keep BDSM and sex separate. The statement was made by a male dom and was actually a minor attempt to peacock (look impressive). It did, however, serve as a reminder that the majority of people who engage in BDSM activities do so in a more formal way. Many people engage in BDSM and D/s without romantic love or deep emotional connections. Play partners are the people you have grown accustomed to engaging in said activities with. Generally there has to be some “attraction” for those people to find one another, but it may not be in a traditional sense. That is, when people chase a kinky relationship without the romance, they will often seek out the submissive or dominant qualities they desire in a partner first and foremost. A dominant that is responsible, skilled, and trustworthy will trump those who are prettier, flashier, wealthier, etc. I often forget that a lot of the community works this way.
The other encounter was a comment in regards to Arc 2 of fs02 and that the over-whelming grief felt by the protagonist dominant at losing her submissive lover was not very realistic. The comment was left by someone who I have a tremendous amount of respect for and she is vastly more experienced than I am in D/s. Having thought about it for a while, she’s right. The way that I portrayed that in that Arc was because of the types of D/s relationships that I have had. I forget that the style of D/s that I practice is not the norm.
That is, I cannot submit without love. I will not submit without love. Submission is how I show my love. This is not the norm.
While there are many couples that practice D/s in loving relationships, they probably make up around 15-20% of the people who engage in D/s. It is a significant number, but not the majority.
I’m letting my brain process this because my instinctual reaction was to feel like I failed as an erotica author. I wanted to portray a character that would be someone that many people could relate to, but instead I projected my own view of what I myself crave. There is also a part of me that forgives myself because it is in the nature of the character I created, therefore it is okay with how she personally would react. There is yet another part of me that thinks that is just an excuse.
In any case, this will at least give me a reminder for future endeavors. It’s strange how a pair of events that happened within an hour of each other would pop up and remind me of this. Food for thought.