366. Thoughts on Love in D/s

I had two encounters today that got my brain swirling on this subject for the first time in a while.  Sometimes I feel like it’s too easy to forget that there are fundamentally different views when the people you surround yourself tend to share yours.

One of the two encounters was reading someone’s statement that they keep BDSM and sex separate.  The statement was made by a male dom and was actually a minor attempt to peacock (look impressive).  It did, however, serve as a reminder that the majority of people who engage in BDSM activities do so in a more formal way.  Many people engage in BDSM and D/s without romantic love or deep emotional connections.  Play partners are the people you have grown accustomed to engaging in said activities with.  Generally there has to be some “attraction” for those people to find one another, but it may not be in a traditional sense.  That is, when people chase a kinky relationship without the romance, they will often seek out the submissive or dominant qualities they desire in a partner first and foremost.  A dominant that is responsible, skilled, and trustworthy will trump those who are prettier, flashier, wealthier, etc.  I often forget that a lot of the community works this way.

The other encounter was a comment in regards to Arc 2 of fs02 and that the over-whelming grief felt by the protagonist dominant at losing her submissive lover was not very realistic.  The comment was left by someone who I have a tremendous amount of respect for and she is vastly more experienced than I am in D/s.  Having thought about it for a while, she’s right.  The way that I portrayed that in that Arc was because of the types of D/s relationships that I have had.  I forget that the style of D/s that I practice is not the norm.

That is, I cannot submit without love.  I will not submit without love.  Submission is how I show my love.  This is not the norm.

While there are many couples that practice D/s in loving relationships, they probably make up around 15-20% of the people who engage in D/s.  It is a significant number, but not the majority.

I’m letting my brain process this because my instinctual reaction was to feel like I failed as an erotica author.  I wanted to portray a character that would be someone that many people could relate to, but instead I projected my own view of what I myself crave.  There is also a part of me that forgives myself because it is in the nature of the character I created, therefore it is okay with how she personally would react.  There is yet another part of me that thinks that is just an excuse.

In any case, this will at least give me a reminder for future endeavors.  It’s strange how a pair of events that happened within an hour of each other would pop up and remind me of this.   Food for thought.

26 thoughts on “366. Thoughts on Love in D/s

  1. I disagree. I think Wanda’s reaction to losing David was realistic. She loved him and him her. They weren’t “play partners”. You portrayed them as being in a meaningful, loving relationship, so of course she is going to experience an immense amount of grief. It makes sense. I’m disappointed you are second guessing yourself based on a comment, even though it’s from someone you highly respect and admire.

    Maybe you have a hard time because you are thinking that fs02 is only erotica, but when you look at it it’s also a love story. At the least the first part for sure.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, SG. I do think Wanda’s reaction was accurate for who her character was. I just think that I over-estimated Wanda’s “coverage,” if that makes sense. If you remember what I was attempting to do it was to create a realistic character that Dommes could relate to. I am mostly evaluating that I may have ended up with covering a smaller percentage of the demographic than I had hoped, if that makes sense.

      Thank you, though.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with sayyidsgirl, when I look at people in the d/s community who do not have a deep emotional connection or have love in their dynamics I see service without meaning. I see something lacklustre, I don’t mean to offend anyone who reads my comment or to put other dynamics down this but that is my view.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Like SG, I feel the way you wrote Wanda’s loss was quite accurate. They were more than just play partners or D/s partners, they were a couple. They were engaged. Just as with the relationships you have experienced, there was a foundation of love between them. I cannot believe that anyone who loses a loved one -wouldn’t- react the same way.
    And even if they weren’t in love, she would still mourn. She lost a person who was important. Perhaps, without the romantic aspect, the pain wouldn’t have been as deep but it would have still been there.

    Just because someone you respect and admire, and who has more experience than you, says you are wrong doesn’t mean you are. It means they have different experiences, different perspectives. I disagree with you on a few things and yet I don’t feel that you are wrong about them or that I am, merely that we see things in different ways.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, HH. I do think that I wrote a complete story, I just find myself considering this in what I had set out to accomplish with the work as a whole and how it may affect future works.

      Did you end up getting to Arcs 3 and 4?

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It is not, but I think many people seek symmetry while others do not. I know that in many formal arrangements that subs/slaves will tend to love their dominant even if that love isn’t reciprocated in the same way.


  4. I haven’t yet finished fs 02, but what I do know is this…there are many ways to write about loss and no two people ever experience something exactly the same. You write beautifully and you are capable of invoking strong emotional reactions in your readers. Of course not everyone will connect with the way you write something, but from what I have seen here, many of your readers are connecting and that is a powerful thing. Keep up the good work, furcissy…you are brilliant! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Nora. I do try to make sure what I write comes from the heart and in the case of Wanda, a heart that was born of me but is not mine. I believe that most of my readers here share a romantic view of things like I do. I do think in some way that the feedback I had gotten was rooted in skepticism of my attempt to write from the opposing perspective. I’m still trying to sift through it.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We are in the majority amongst us though. People often stick with those with a similar outlook and I would think that any fiction would only have a small target group. Most of it is not representative of the majority. It is not meant to be realistic it is meant to appeal to the desire for something more within you.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Actually, my goal of fs02 was to be realistic 😀
          I did have a target demographic in mind though, and it was people with a similar view of D/s to me. I just forgot about the others for a while.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. You didn’t fail. You showed one example. That it is in the minority is a good thing. You are showing a different route. It may not be what you set out to do but it is true to you. I’ve found it hard to decide how I want a relationship to run but slowly things are making sense. I currently practice consensual non-monogamy. There has to be attraction, there has to be respect, there has to be a certain level of trust and mutual admiration, but it is not love and I’m fine with that for these situations. I have already compartmentalised them. They are a sexual compromise on both sides. They are short term fixes, not a long term solution.

    They don’t have the intensity or the care or the commitment of a D/s set up and I don’t think I could manage a D/s relationship in the same way that I manage my CNM relationships. For the dynamics to really really work I couldn’t do it without it being a full on, all singing, all dancing relationship. And for me, I know that is going to take time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, NYAG. I have known people who can be casual with D/s. I know that I cannot be. While I may enjoy the illusion that I am expendable, the reality of feeling expendable is quite unpleasant. I am just wired that way and I know it would take an even bigger reach for me to try and portray someone’s head who has that point of view.

      Liked by 1 person

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