354. Thoughts on Promoting Education in BDSM and D/s

I had been mulling over this topic for like a month but felt that it was way too preachy to bother writing it.  For those who have read me for a long time, you know that a lot of what I write is designed to understand perspectives, explore concepts, and talk about a lot ideas in D/s and BDSM that often fall beyond the “communication is important” and “if it’s not consensual it is abuse” type of topics.   I don’t really set out to educate directly… I tend to more seek out people who are struggling, understand why they are struggling, and then trying to find ways to make them stop struggling. Often this is a perspective change.  Sometimes it’s understanding a critical idea that unlocks a whole new view of submission and dominance.

As this is an activity that I truly find enjoyable and rewarding, I have been asked on a number of occasions to take part in BDSM and D/s education groups.  I usually jump at the chance to do this.  Each time I end up disappointed in some way.

At the risk of having this turn into a rant post, let me just get this out of my system right now: HOLY FUCKING SHIT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE IGNORANT.

This isn’t new knowledge by any means, but you get accustomed to interacting with bloggers… who are generally people who think, read, and communicate with a certain proficiency that it’s easy to forget that we are a small percentage of the populace that takes part in these lifestyles and activities.  You forget there’s this “other side” that aren’t necessarily wired this way.

That being said, I feel almost a duty to teach.  I can’t tell if this is rooted in arrogance or if it is because of what happens to me as an empath.  I hate seeing people suffer.  I want to take away their pain.  I want to teach them how to avoid it in the future.  I want the world to become a better place because they know more now and can pass on that knowledge to others.

Unfortunately I have to face the cold hard reality.  A lot of people don’t want to learn.  They don’t want their suffering to stop, they want validation that their suffering is correct so they don’t have to change.  The other alternative is to ride in on a big white horse and carry them off to a castle.

This moment in time is probably the most appreciated I have ever felt in my entire blogging career.  I feel like I finally managed to transcend the boundaries of role and gender.  I feel like there are are people who read what I write and don’t care that I am a submissive male.  They see someone who says things that can help and be learned from.  This is an entirely new feeling for me and I have to say that it feels tremendous.

But how easily did I get used to that feeling?  I don’t even realize when exactly it was that I felt this way.  Tonight I was fed a reminder that I had somehow forgotten how things used to be.  How things usually were.  How things always had been.  My opinions don’t matter because I’m not a woman or a dominant man.  I don’t offer validation.  I will never ride in on a horse and save them from themselves.

When you hear someone say, “You mean I’m allowed to have limits?  He told me he could just tell me how it is because I’m the sub,” what is the appropriate impulse?  My gut says to inform them that yes, you should have limits and that if he isn’t allowing for that, he sucks.  They don’t want that.  They want me to embrace them in their suffering.  Either that or ride in on a horse and save them.  Then it dawns on me.  Who the hell gets into a BDSM relationship knowing jack shit about it?  “I decided I’m a sub today and I found this guy on craigslist that goes by ch3rry_p0pp3r69 that says he’s giving free lessons so I’m meeting him later at that abandoned warehouse on the edge of town.”  Like, really?

The problem is, people are people.  They will make mistakes.  Some will learn more easily than others.  But they still have hearts and feelings and that keeps me from being as callous and aggressive as I would like to be.  I don’t know the right answer to this.  Every time I feel my arrogance get the better of me and I would rather roll my eyes than read the 1908293423048320943th BDSM blog post on why communication is important, I have to remember that 1908293423048320942 people don’t realize that communication is important.  That thought kind of makes you die a little inside, doesn’t it?

I suppose that it was unavoidable that this probably mostly sounds like a rant post.  The thing is that I actually see it as a pep talk to myself.  I will continue to teach.  I will continue to reach out and help people.  I can’t live any other way.   Besides, if I face-palm enough times, the skin will eventually toughen up, right?

I’m honestly considering deleting this post because I feel like a giant asshole now after writing it.  I’m going to hit publish before I felt that.  I hope no one gets offended by this but I needed to let off some steam.

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15 thoughts on “354. Thoughts on Promoting Education in BDSM and D/s

  1. I don’t think you’re an asshole for this. I reacted the same way with how some of the things My beloved s (and my younger self) accepted as the norm. Education happens, although with most people the key is to not come across as condescending or worse.

    Sometimes you have to wonder about people though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Clio. I try my best to empathize in a way that will resonate because I know that pushing in the wrong way will lead to a recoil. In the situation tonight it was clear they weren’t going to consider anything that I said because I was a male sub. I still went ahead and said what I would say in that case, I just have a feeling it fell on deaf ears. Seeing the situation I have a feeling that this will be one of many times that the person will end up upset. It’s strange though telling someone “you are supposed to have limits,” not realizing how rampant that kind of thing is.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I really loved this. I may be new to the “scene” but one thing that has really stood out to me is the lack of research and self education new comers are failing to do. You’re so not an asshole for writing this. And part no of my research and self education is reading blogs from people like yourself so I’m grateful. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, CC. It’s scary… I have this feeling for a lot of sub women they have this belief that “oh, the Dom will teach me, I have nothing to worry about.” It’s almost like… why don’t you just wear a name tag that says, “Hello, My Name is: Lunch”.

      I’m very glad that you are finding things helpful in your learning process.

      Take care.

      Like

  3. No matter how much you try to advise someone at the end of the day the choice is theirs, and there are people who will listen and learn and just others who no matter what you say will go along in life being ignorant because that is what they enjoy. You can only do what you can furs, rant away, reading your blog I am just one of many who do learn so much from you about myself, about R and about dominance and submission. Those of us who read appreciate your blog and your writings. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s a good post, don’t delete it. As someone who rarely discovers something new and goes, WTF, but thinks ‘oh yes let’s find out more about that. It’s not me but I’d like to understand it’, I know how you feel. There will always be people who don’t want to be educated. Often they are a product of their own upbringing so you can’t entirely blame them. You see, empathy stretches even that far. It’s like racism. I am not racist but I get why people are racist because of their personal experiences, because of their upbringing, because of how the media feeds information to them. It doesn’t make it right but if you understand why someone is a racist, you can try to break it down, if not for them but for the generation that comes after them. Breaking cycles is important and you do that with education. So yes yes yes to all this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, NYAG. I think why this subject is strange to me because of how that choice to remain uneducated hurts a lot of these people. It’s sort of like watching someone stuff their hand in a blender and wait for someone else to turn it off, unplug, or pull their hand out for them. I might get that they have different reasons for doing it and wanting whatever they are wanting, but it still puzzles me on another level. I do try to write things that will hopefully help break some cycles, I just wish that was easier to accomplish sometimes.

      Take care.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, dommeher. I’ve seen so many different perspectives, forms, and flavors of BDSM in my life that I definitely know there isn’t one way. Occasionally I think there are right ways within a given style… and there are definitely wrong ways. The one thing I try not to do is push any individual form as being better than another. It’s too often that some people get competitive about styles when the only important measure of any of this is happiness. Take care.

      Like

  5. Im glad that you did not delete this post. Writing releases our pent up emotions, and it gives us clarity. Plus, it is so much better than your fist meeting a wall. Feel me?
    Anyway, I did not know that you help educate people with your years of experience. It is hard to find someone to talk to that you feel is mature and intelligent enough to divulge your concerns to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Carissimi. Venting doesn’t help, but I should probably just avoid frustrating situations 🙂

      I have served as a mentor/advisor for a number of people over the years. Right now I am helping 4 newer Dommes and 1 newer sub. I enjoy it quite a bit, although they always end up outgrowing their need for me, so it does ebb and flow. I do wish more people were eager to teach, especially when it comes to what actually works and what doesn’t, especially when it comes to lifestyle topics that often fall outside of the standard BDSM principles.

      Take care.

      Like

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