291. An Exercise in Self-Healing

I have felt unsettled for the past 12+ hours.  Going back to this weekend I made an attempt to force my numbed feelings to the surface.  I revealed a lot more than I normally would and it left me feeling exposed.  I managed to trigger my irrational fears of abandonment, rejection, and isolation.

I realize now that these are the feelings that I had been numb to regarding my break-up with T back in December.  Although it was inevitable, I didn’t really experience the full emotional spectrum that should have followed.  I was numb.

I am afraid.  I am afraid of being alone.  I am afraid of my entire self being judged upon one or two quirks.  I am afraid that people will not want to be my friend.  I am afraid that no one will love me.

I deem these fears irrational because at this time I have a pretty good support system in place of people that care about me.  I am also not the type to be content with floundering.  I believe it would serve me well to heal these wounds.

These are the strengths that I believe other people see in me.  I could be wrong on some of them, but I am trying to be honest at finding an outside view of myself.

I am smart.  I figure things out.  I see the big picture without ignoring the smaller systems in place that make it up.  I see perspectives.  I see the causality chains over time that are responsible for the way things are now.  I see the process of the trickle of water eventually carving a canyon within people, groups, and public opinion.  I can see what will happen next.

I have a balance of empathy and compassion.  When I give someone advice it isn’t copy and pasted from a self-help cliche.  I observe and gather data.  I build a model in my mind of their emotional inter-workings.  I try to perceive things how their mind perceives things.  This is the basis for how I help people.  I try to “be them” and run simulations in my head about how things apply to them and work within the confines of their reality.  People are more likely to be receptive of words if you portray them in a way consistent with how they see themselves.  I enjoy taking the time to invest in people and want them to be the best versions of themselves.

I am stubborn and principled.  I will stand up for what I think is right but I pick my battles carefully.  I know when it is not worth to create a conflict.  I know when someone just needs some help removing their head from their ass.  Unwavering belief in what is right requires an extensive amount of thought and reflection.

I am loyal.  I expect to see people through both good and bad times.  I will stand my ground even if it hurts me.  I know that the easy path isn’t always the best one and I have faith in my resilience to weather the storm.  This is part of what allows me to respect myself.

I am meticulous.  “I didn’t think it would matter” is rarely a phrase that comes out of my mouth.  If there is a “right way,” I choose it.  While occasionally this turns into obsession, I would rather be known for being too thorough than not thorough.

I am competent.  While someone may have the tools to succeed, it requires putting everything together to achieve actual success.  I don’t allow myself to fail unless I have exhausted all resources at my disposal.

I can love freely and openly.  I learned to never hold back.  Time is precious.  Leaving anything unsaid or emotions hidden opens the door to regret.  When I love I do so with all of my heart.

I’m funny.  I have a good sense of humor, enjoy laughing, and enjoy making people laugh and feel good.  My with is dry, quick, and plays off of what is going around me quite well.  This has been a part of me for as long as I can remember.

I am interesting.  I delve deeply into subjects.  I explore and master things in hope of appreciating them to their fullest extent.  I have a million topics I can talk about.  While my knowledge base may not interest everyone, I doubt anyone can say I am boring or a personality-less door mat.

While there are other things I could probably list as well, this is enough for the time being.  These are some of the qualities that make me worthwhile.  They make me a good friend, lover, and submissive.

I lose sight of this at times because I feel like my kinks and quirks are so abhorrent that they will overshadow everything else that I am.  I lose sight of this at times because I fear being judged for what I am not as much as for what I am.  The fears I have here are legitimate and rational.  I just have to remember that there will be people looking for people like me.  I have to keep up hope that they will see me.

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