531. Discussion Topic Write-Up: Some Major Style Differences within BDSM

I am writing this from the standpoint of introducing these ideas and concepts as part of a discussion group and may include ideas and concepts that I have discussed in earlier posts. As this is designed for a Femdom discussion group, it may lean more heavily towards the F/m end of the spectrum although I will try to keep it as role/gender neutral as possible. If anyone has any feedback about how to make this better it would be greatly appreciated.

I. Introduction

When you encounter someone who engages in BDSM, it’s easy to form quick assumptions about what that entails.  These assumptions are often a reflection upon our own views, experiences, and a composite of those we have encountered over the years.

Occasionally, you may encounter someone in BDSM and upon talking to them, you quickly realize that something is different.  The words that they use have different meanings than when you use them.  The ideas and focal points they talk about are different than the ones that you think about.  It becomes clear rather quickly that what they do is not what you do.  These types of encounters can lead to rifts.  Sometimes it is a feeling that you don’t belong with the people around you.  At other times another person might not feel like they belong around you.

These types of experiences occur because there are a number of ways that people engage in the lifestyle that hold fundamentally different philosophies and approaches.  In BDSM communities there are often phrases that promote acceptance and tolerances of differences, such as, “there is no one true way,” but it is still quite common for people to be unable to reach a common ground of understanding.

The purpose of this writing is to give a basic framework of where the key philosophical differences may arise from and to promote an understanding of the various forms you may encounter.  While I will try to give some examples of the different names that varying approaches will go under, there is no way that I will be able to capture them all.

II. The Taxonomy (or lack of it) when it comes to BDSM styles

If you remember taking biology in some point in school, you probably remember that a taxonomy is system of classification where advancing each level leads to a more specific version.  BDSM frequently uses systems like these to describe roles and dynamics, such as:

• Top -> Dominant -> Sensualist Dominant
• Top -> Bondage Enthusiast -> Rigger
• Bottom -> Submissive -> Service Submissive -> Sissy Maid
• Bottom -> Masochist -> Pain Slut

Over the years I have tried several times over to develop a working taxonomy for styles of BDSM, but I have been unable to do so because there are multiple philosophical differences that would be vying for the lowest-level of classification.  In other words, there are a handful of differences that cause the major breakdowns in understanding.

The Big Four (as I see them):

• Monogamous vs. Open / Poly
• Romantic vs. Non-Romantic / Formal
• With or Without Power Exchange
• Sexual vs. Non-Sexual

III.  Monogamy vs. Open-Relationships and Polyamory

I don’t plan to say much about this difference as you will find that the majority of BDSM styles occurring regularly in each of these forms.  I do think it is worth placing an emphasis upon this as it can often be a “deal-breaker” for those looking to enter a local or online BDSM community.

There are a few styles of BDSM relationships with a high percentage of monogamous practitioners and relatively few who engage with multiple partners.

• On the F/m side: FLR
• On the M/f side: HoH/50’s Household, Taken in Hand, and those who inject religious beliefs/backing into their D/s

On the poly side of things, there are a handful of BDSM styles that almost always involve open-relationships or some form of poly.

• Cuckolding
• Leather Families
• Pack Dynamics

Most clashes, alienation, and misunderstandings in regards to this aspect of BDSM happen when people assume that either everyone should be monogamous or that everyone should be open/poly.  Unfortunately this happens with enough frequency that this aspect could easily serve as the first level of classification in the BDSM taxonomy.

IV.  Romantic vs. Non-Romantic and Formal

How people view the relationship between dominant and submissive is another topic that could fall into the first level classification of BDSM.

• For some people the relationship between dominant and submissive is a loving, romantic relationship.
• For some people the relationship between dominant and submissive is purely formal, with no romantic feelings of any kind.
• There are many variations that fall somewhere in between these two.

Trying to list every possible variation would be futile, but it is worth talking about a few of them.  Some people require an emotional connection to engage with another person while others do not.  Some people may have “levels” of relationships based upon how much of an emotional connection there is, e.g. they will play without a connection, for someone to become a play partner requires an emotional connection, to become a partner needs a romantic connection, and so on.  Others prefer to maintain a sense of strict emotional distance for various reasons.

What makes this aspect of BDSM so difficult is that people have an inherent view of their BDSM-oriented relationships that can differ so drastically from another person.

Some people may compartmentalize BDSM relationships and romantic relationships into separate entities and I have encountered those who will say something like, “this is my sub and my partner.”  Some keep the two firmly intertwined and if they say, “this is my sub,” they are also implying that it is their partner as well.

As people rarely advertise their views upon this, there is no easy way to make assumptions about how other people go about it.  On occasion you can read into the types of activities/dynamics that a person is into and infer a bit about how they view things, that is not always possible to do.  What I do believe is that being able to understand another person’s style of BDSM relies heavily upon understanding whether or not they need love or emotional connections within their BDSM relationships.

V. Power Exchange

The third topic that could vie for the first classification in the BDSM taxonomy is power exchange.  For the sake of ease, I will be using two acronyms that I just made up right now to separate the two:

• WIPE = WIth Power Exchange
• WOPE = WithOut Power Exchange

While power exchange might intuitively fall much deeper into the classification system, I have found that this is another topic that causes major breakdowns in understanding between people.  Some people cannot picture engaging in BDSM without power exchange.  Others cannot picture engaging in BDSM with power exchange.  I believe that power exchange often falls at the core of a person’s philosophy about BDSM and as such, it makes it very difficult to understand someone who has a different philosophy at their core.

When people engage in WIPE dynamics, there is a consensual agreement that the submissive relinquishes (some) control to the dominant and that within their dynamic, they are not equal.  The extent of that control varies quite a bit from case to case and may or may not include limits to that control.  This control may as benign as who has final say on what movie to watch or as extreme as regulating any aspect of a submissive’s life.

Relationships of this type will often have labels such as D/s, 24/7, M/s, TPE, FLR, HoH, DD, and so on.  WIPE relationships between dominant and submissive tend to be long-term and ongoing and have the least likelihood of any type of role-switching going on.

Within BDSM communities, it is becoming far more common to encounter people who view BDSM through the WOPE lens.  In these cases, people tend to view BDSM activities as fixed length, negotiated scenes that are engaged in by agreeing parties with the goal of mutual enjoyment.  Every activity is (ideally) discussed beforehand and it is considered bad form (and sometimes abuse) if a sub feels compelled to take part in something that they do not want to.

In many ways, the WIPE vs. WOPE approaches to BDSM may be the strongest dividing line you will encounter because people on each side tend to be steadfast in their views and the fundamental difference is so great.  With that in mind, you may encounter groups that have pulled away from the BDSM community as a whole in order to practice and talk about their own flavor of WIPE relationship.

VI. Sexual vs. Non-Sexual

The last topic in BDSM that could garner the top spot in classification differences is whether or not people view BDSM as a sexual activity.  Usually, you can gather a lot about a person’s views on this subject from their preferred activities.  e.g. If someone labels themselves a sensualist and engages in edging, tease & denial, and orgasm control, there is a very high probability that they heavily consider BDSM to be a sexual activity.  The same goes for people that are into forced oral, body worship, queening, and the like.

On the other side, there are a large number of people that view BDSM outside of a sexual context.

In the middle, there are a large number of people that fall somewhere between the two.  You may encounter a dominant that gets turned on by engaging in dominant acts but those acts do not lead to an orgasm.  You may encounter those that do not see BDSM as a sexual act but use it more as foreplay for sexual interactions.  There are also others that may consider some BDSM acts to be sexual while others are not.

I tend to classify views (or views on specific acts) into a few different types:

• Intimate and Sexual
• Intimate but Non-Sexual
• Recreational and Sexual
• Recreational and Non-Sexual

For clarification purposes, by intimate I mean that those who partake in the acts consider it to be emotionally bonding and part of a special connection that is shared by the participants.  By recreational I mean when those who partake in the acts do so because they find it pleasurable and they do not necessarily need the personal intimacy to engage in them.

The most notable breakdowns in understanding others in regards to these views tends to happen when people view BDSM as inherently sexual or inherently non-sexual.

VII.  Parting Remarks

Over the years I have encountered hundreds of people who partake in some form of BDSM and with that, I have found many instances where people just didn’t fit with those around them.  It often spirals back to the question:

“How can we all be doing the ‘same thing’ yet the versions of that thing be so different?”

One of the goals that I have when I meet someone is to understand their version of it and know how to explain my own in terms that they will understand.  Being aware of the potentially critical differences and varying forms is necessary for that.

If anything, I hope that by writing this that I can help a few people out there understand how to better approach others and/or at least give them an idea on why certain communities might not feel like a good fit.

• Femdom