119. Relationship Evolution and Plateaus

This post is a response to a question I was asked about some comments I left. I have written upon these subjects in the past quite a bit on my Blogger blog but I’m going to write about them again.

All relationships change over time because the people involved in the relationships change. In D/s relationships this frequently involves a gradual increase in the intensity of the dynamics as familiarity, trust, and experiences grow. In the beginning everything is new and exciting. After you’ve done it 20 times the “new car smell” is gone and you have a pretty good idea of how things will go and what to expect from actions and reactions in both the physical and emotional realm. At this point things become routine and in most cases, one or both parties will want to bring the excitement back and changes and new activities will be introduced. This can continue almost indefinitely with a few different versions of the “end game” (the end game being when things really can’t be pushed any further).

However, most relationships never reach the end game. Ideally a plateau occurs when the relationship reaches an equilibrium intensity level that is appealing to both parties and readily sustainable with happy feelings abound. Not all plateaus are ideal as they can also occur when one party “hits a wall” in how far they are willing to go. This can be due to a submissive that reaches a limit to the vulnerability they are willing to explore. This can be because a dominant finds their comfort zone where they feel confident and have their needs met and do not wish for more beyond this point. When one party is set on staying put and the other wishes to press onward it puts a lot of strain on the relationship.

Assuming both parties are new to the lifestyle there are some interesting phenomenon that happen quite commonly. The first is that in most cases subs have spent more time fantasizing about D/s than Doms have. This means in the beginning the sub is more likely to desire more than the Dom will be comfortable offering. Assuming the Dominant takes to their role, they frequently experience periods of rapid growth when they finally get confident and comfortable with themselves. This growth will often propel them beyond the sub and in my opinion, this is where things really start to get interesting. Up until that point many of the activities were ones the sub desired. This is the time when the Dom may introduce things that the sub does not desire or enjoy. If the Dom presses the sub through their mental resistance, I believe this is where the submissive mindset fully takes shape and both parties will continue to evolve.

Another interesting factor is that men are more likely to plateau than women. Two factors play heavily into this:

1. Post-orgasm crashes.
2. Fetish development.

After an orgasm men will frequently lose their previous emotional state and however they felt beforehand can disappear. If they are dominant, the feelings of Domspace may vanish. If they are submissive, their desire to submit may vanish.

Fetish development is far more common in men as they are more likely to repeatedly masturbate to the same fantasy scenario. If they continue down this path they will likely find a couple of factors that “do it” for them and this may become their end goal. Basically, once a fetish has set in, they will not want to deviate from it and this may be their plateau.

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