I apologize for my lack of blog posts lately. I really haven’t had anything I felt was worth saying and whenever I force myself to write from that space it usually turns out like crap. I know that I had originally planned to mostly avoid the topic of feminization and sissies on this blog, but some recent conversations have me thinking I should make a post on this topic. Also of note, I will be writing from an F/m perspective.
Sissies are a very complicated topic for a number of reasons. The first is that there are at least a dozen different types that can be significantly different from one another in what makes them tick. The second is that the term sissy carries a significant stigma in the kink community. Much of this is caused by a handful of rude people who managed to put off Dommes from the demographic in general. Another factor is that a lot of people are made uncomfortable on some level by feminized men.
When people are put off by a group, they tend to actively avoid learning more about that group. The end result is that a lot of people treat sissies like they are all the same. The best comparison I could come up with is when a foreign country hates Americans. You ask them why and they cite a handful of undesirable stereotypes and you realize that they lump the worst perceived characteristics possible onto everyone. If you have been around America, you know that some of these negative characteristics are true for some people, but they only describe a fraction of the population. A city-dweller from NYC will often have a significantly different outlook than a 4th generation farmer in rural Nebraska. Sissies differ in much the same way.
A final, yet puzzling aspect about the sissy stigma is that we live in a world where it is becoming continuously more accepted for people to be homosexual, trans-gendered, and the like. Labels like transvestite and cross-dresser carry a greater stigma, but they are still more protected than sissies. I think on some level (most) people respect those who are gay, bisexual, trans-gendered, transvestites and the like for having the courage to be true to themselves. It isn’t easy for people to openly associate with an oppressed minority and willingly accept suffering and prejudices just to be who you are.
A viable question is, what separates a sissy from a cross-dresser? (I’m sure there are more answers out there that I am going to include)
The term sissy tends to represent both feminized AND submissive while feminized. The term cross-dresser has no affiliation with being a top/bottom or dominant/submissive.
While a cross-dresser may desire to wear women’s clothes, a sissy gets aroused by being feminized. To put it in simpler terms: being a sissy is usually a fetish.
Cross-dressers tend to dress like women, while sissies tend to be drawn to caricatures of femininity. How many women do you know that obsess about ruffles, lace, bows, and the like? Most sissy fantasies involve a twisted sense of ultra-femininity that does not even remotely resemble how actual women dress.
Another thought is that although there are many sissies that are gay, bi, wish to be trans-gender, etc. they still differ from those groups as a whole in a crucial way. When people accept themselves as being different, they tend to respect themselves. By and large, many sissies do not respect themselves.
Would you ever find an effeminate gay male labeling themselves as a “sissy faggot cocksucker?” I suppose you might, but that would likely be uncommon and frowned upon. If you dig through sissy blogs/sites/material, you will probably come across dozens of sissies that refer to themselves in that way.
Another factor that separates sissies from the larger socially protected groups is that they tend to keep the sissy side of their life a secret. If someone is openly gay or transvestite, then that is their public face. For sissies, they will pose as Joe Every-man in public and keep the sissy part reserved for their private life. What often keeps sissies trapped as sissies is shame. Involving a Domme provides absolution (terminology credit to another blogger) from the guilt of having to face what they want.
I had originally planned to do a list of types, but rather than create labels it is probably easier to just write out some of the major differences you will find from sissy to sissy.
Some sissies desire to be women or treated like women. Others desire to be humiliated through feminization (emasculation, loss of choice, exposure, etc.).
Some sissies desire sexual relations with men. Some desire sexual relations with both men and women. Others are purely heterosexual.
Some sissies wish to be coddled and treated gently. Others wish to be enslaved/subdued. Some desire to be completely depersonalized into a nameless maid-servant.
Some sissies wish to feel comfortable in a safe environment. Others want to feel safely uncomfortable and humiliated. Some desire to be overtly humiliated and exposed in a public way.
Some sissies wish to be intimately loved. Some wish to be used in a sexual way. Others wish to be treated as a formal servant with no sexual contact.
Some sissies wish to be cuckolded and dominated by the bull as well. Some wish to be cuckolded and have no contact with the bull. Others do not wish to be cuckolded at all.
Some sissies wish to be accepted and treated kindly. Others wish to be degraded, humiliated, and scorned at every turn.
The list goes on and on. I believe the differences get so significant that it doesn’t seem right to lump them all together under one blanket term, but that is indeed what happens.
- A man that wishes to be a woman and have sexual relations with other men.
- A man that craves the humiliation of being dressed in a grotesque frou frou way because it makes him feel more submissive to have his Domme wield that power over him.
- A man that wishes to be a maid in a thankless role that exists only in the background in a life of impersonal servitude.
- A man that wishes to be cuckolded and humiliated in front of his Domme’s superior lover.
All of these are so vastly different that in the absence of feminization, they would be given different names and viewed differently within the kink community. However, once the word sissy gets involved, the stigma often takes over. In many cases, sissies are seen as less than men, which immediately puts them below every other man on the BDSM food chain. Similarly, sissies are also often seen as less than or even offensive to women, and this puts them below every woman on the BDSM food chain. While not everyone thinks or acts this way, enough of them do to make it difficult for sissies to feel accepted within the kink community.
A final thought on this topic is shame. Most sissies cannot be healed from the shamed state of mind. By the time a sissy acknowledges they are one, they likely have had years upon years of emotional turmoil, self-loathing, guilt, and shame over how they are. They didn’t choose to be this way nor want to be this way. The self-hatred probably set in the first time they realized that they were different and fucked up. Go forward a decade’s worth of fantasies they didn’t want to have and the shame and hurt that followed every orgasm and you have someone that will struggle to be convinced that they are normal, acceptable, worthy of love, etc.
In many ways you see this play out in the fantasies that are common among sissies. Degradation. Humiliation. Being raped or used/violated. Being enslaved, beaten, and forced to serve. The fantasies run consistent with the feelings that grew within them for years. When they become a tool for someone else’s sexual gratification or labor away for someone else’s quality of life, the value they provide is clear. That value gives a reason for someone to choose them. In some cases, it was a subconscious coping mechanism to deal with the fear of being alone/rejected: since no one would accept a pathetic, disgusting sissy for who they are as a person, they might accept them for the ways that they can be used and exploited.
The psychology of it can be rather twisted. I’m also sure there are sissies out there who do not fit this psychological profile, but I just know that this theme is rather common. In any case, I hope that these words may have given some insight into this corner of the BDSM universe.