434. Thoughts on Feminization and Sissies

I apologize for my lack of blog posts lately.  I really haven’t had anything I felt was worth saying and whenever I force myself to write from that space it usually turns out like crap.  I know that I had originally planned to mostly avoid the topic of feminization and sissies on this blog, but some recent conversations have me thinking I should make a post on this topic.  Also of note, I will be writing from an F/m perspective.

Sissies are a very complicated topic for a number of reasons.  The first is that there are at least a dozen different types that can be significantly different from one another in what makes them tick.  The second is that the term sissy carries a significant stigma in the kink community.  Much of this is caused by a handful of rude people who managed to put off Dommes from the demographic in general.  Another factor is that a lot of people are made uncomfortable on some level by feminized men.

When people are put off by a group, they tend to actively avoid learning more about that group.  The end result is that a lot of people treat sissies like they are all the same.  The best comparison I could come up with is when a foreign country hates Americans.  You ask them why and they cite a handful of undesirable stereotypes and you realize that they lump the worst perceived characteristics possible onto everyone.  If you have been around America, you know that some of these negative characteristics are true for some people, but they only describe a fraction of the population.  A city-dweller from NYC will often have a significantly different outlook than a 4th generation farmer in rural Nebraska.  Sissies differ in much the same way.

A final, yet puzzling aspect about the sissy stigma is that we live in a world where it is becoming continuously more accepted for people to be homosexual, trans-gendered, and the like.  Labels like transvestite and cross-dresser carry a greater stigma, but they are still more protected than sissies.  I think on some level (most) people respect those who are gay, bisexual, trans-gendered, transvestites and the like for having the courage to be true to themselves.  It isn’t easy for people to openly associate with an oppressed minority and willingly accept suffering and prejudices just to be who you are.

A viable question is, what separates a sissy from a cross-dresser? (I’m sure there are more answers out there that I am going to include)

The term sissy tends to represent both feminized AND submissive while feminized.  The term cross-dresser has no affiliation with being a top/bottom or dominant/submissive.

While a cross-dresser may desire to wear women’s clothes, a sissy gets aroused by being feminized.  To put it in simpler terms: being a sissy is usually a fetish.

Cross-dressers tend to dress like women, while sissies tend to be drawn to caricatures of femininity.  How many women do you know that obsess about ruffles, lace, bows, and the like?  Most sissy fantasies involve a twisted sense of ultra-femininity that does not even remotely resemble how actual women dress.

Another thought is that although there are many sissies that are gay, bi, wish to be trans-gender, etc. they still differ from those groups as a whole in a crucial way.  When people accept themselves as being different, they tend to respect themselves.  By and large, many sissies do not respect themselves.

Would you ever find an effeminate gay male labeling themselves as a “sissy faggot cocksucker?”  I suppose you might, but that would likely be uncommon and frowned upon.  If you dig through sissy blogs/sites/material, you will probably come across dozens of sissies that refer to themselves in that way.

Another factor that separates sissies from the larger socially protected groups is that they tend to keep the sissy side of their life a secret.   If someone is openly gay or transvestite, then that is their public face.  For sissies, they will pose as Joe Every-man in public and keep the sissy part reserved for their private life.  What often keeps sissies trapped as sissies is shame.  Involving a Domme provides absolution (terminology credit to another blogger) from the guilt of having to face what they want.

I had originally planned to do a list of types, but rather than create labels it is probably easier to just write out some of the major differences you will find from sissy to sissy.

Some sissies desire to be women or treated like women.  Others desire to be humiliated through feminization (emasculation, loss of choice, exposure, etc.).

Some sissies desire sexual relations with men.  Some desire sexual relations with both men and women.  Others are purely heterosexual.

Some sissies wish to be coddled and treated gently.  Others wish to be enslaved/subdued.  Some desire to be completely depersonalized into a nameless maid-servant.

Some sissies wish to feel comfortable in a safe environment.  Others want to feel safely uncomfortable and humiliated.  Some desire to be overtly humiliated and exposed in a public way.

Some sissies wish to be intimately loved.  Some wish to be used in a sexual way.  Others wish to be treated as a formal servant with no sexual contact.

Some sissies wish to be cuckolded and dominated by the bull as well.  Some wish to be cuckolded and have no contact with the bull.  Others do not wish to be cuckolded at all.

Some sissies wish to be accepted and treated kindly.  Others wish to be degraded, humiliated, and scorned at every turn.

The list goes on and on.  I believe the differences get so significant that it doesn’t seem right to lump them all together under one blanket term, but that is indeed what happens.

  • A man that wishes to be a woman and have sexual relations with other men.
  • A man that craves the humiliation of being dressed in a grotesque frou frou way because it makes him feel more submissive to have his Domme wield that power over him.
  • A man that wishes to be a maid in a thankless role that exists only in the background in a life of impersonal servitude.
  • A man that wishes to be cuckolded and humiliated in front of his Domme’s superior lover.

All of these are so vastly different that in the absence of feminization, they would be given different names and viewed differently within the kink community.  However, once the word sissy gets involved, the stigma often takes over.  In many cases, sissies are seen as less than men, which immediately puts them below every other man on the BDSM food chain.  Similarly, sissies are also often seen as less than or even offensive to women, and this puts them below every woman on the BDSM food chain.  While not everyone thinks or acts this way, enough of them do to make it difficult for sissies to feel accepted within the kink community.

A final thought on this topic is shame.  Most sissies cannot be healed from the shamed state of mind.  By the time a sissy acknowledges they are one, they likely have had years upon years of emotional turmoil, self-loathing, guilt, and shame over how they are.  They didn’t choose to be this way nor want to be this way.  The self-hatred probably set in the first time they realized that they were different and fucked up.  Go forward a decade’s worth of fantasies they didn’t want to have and the shame and hurt that followed every orgasm and you have someone that will struggle to be convinced that they are normal, acceptable, worthy of love, etc.

In many ways you see this play out in the fantasies that are common among sissies.  Degradation.  Humiliation.  Being raped or used/violated.  Being enslaved, beaten, and forced to serve.  The fantasies run consistent with the feelings that grew within them for years.  When they become a tool for someone else’s sexual gratification or labor away for someone else’s quality of life, the value they provide is clear.  That value gives a reason for someone to choose them.  In some cases, it was a subconscious coping mechanism to deal with the fear of being alone/rejected:  since no one would accept a pathetic, disgusting sissy for who they are as a person, they might accept them for the ways that they can be used and exploited.

The psychology of it can be rather twisted.  I’m also sure there are sissies out there who do not fit this psychological profile, but I just know that this theme is rather common.  In any case, I hope that these words may have given some insight into this corner of the BDSM universe.

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28 thoughts on “434. Thoughts on Feminization and Sissies

  1. Okay. So something comes to mind immediately. Could the sense of shame be so strong in a sissy that the community just accepts, embraces and augments this shame for them? Not that an entire community can be this purposeful but could that possibly be part of it too? Maybe?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, PG.
      From my experiences, a lot of the community shuns people that are not similar to themselves. There are a number of people who go by the mantra of YKINMK (your kink is not my kink) but even among them, only a small percentage will actually try to understand those kinks. Tolerance and acceptance are very different things. When it comes to sissies, the community tends to reject them in a similar way to the vanilla world.

      With sissies who have a strongly shame-driven fetish, the harsh words of others merely reinforce what they already feel. The community doesn’t really do this as a favor and if it lines up, it is coincidental.

      Also, not a lot of people put a lot of thought exploration into humiliation dynamics, so it is rare that people understand the interplay of emotional masochism well enough to coordinate that kind of effort.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think…and I’m sure it’s my unwavering naïveté talking….that the world needs more feminine energy. And to suppress it for lack of understanding, out of fear or simply to maintain a group repressed is horrid.

    I still can’t believe the kink community can be so cruel when they themselves can be subject to misunderstanding and oppression.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, PG.
      Unfortunately, much of the kink community does a lot to justify their own kinks and fetishes. “I’m normal, but they’re a pervert,” is often how it is used. Quite a few BDSM communities will enforce a sort of unwritten conformity expectation where they decide what is okay to do and what isn’t. This has been a part of the kink community for the 15+ years I have been a part of it and it has only gotten worse.

      Like

  3. This is a very good round-up of the various sissy self-perceptions. And yes, there can be a certain amount of hostility from other parts of the kink universe due to grouping very diverse mentalities under a single label.

    Online forums and even adverts from dommes have a tendency to create a single, quite extreme picture of what it is to be a sissy. Humans have a tendency to want to conform and belong. Quite a number of those who explore these places adapt themselves conform to this picture because they have a very strong need to belong and perhaps belong to somebody. This becomes especially true of those with little self-confidence and self-respect.

    Your passage on shame and the extreme fantasies is excellent. I’ve seen all of these played out and yes, for some it does lead to self-hatred. The cycles of purging, trying to live a ‘normal’ life and then a fresh bout of sub/sissy frenzy to dive deep back in to it. Being able to spend a life doing this from behind a keyboard really doesn’t help, very few get exposed to the reality which could help them understand themselves and grow.

    You make a very good point about the ultra femininity in the way many sissies express their dressing. I can relate to this, though in a different way to the examples. Though I have to admit that I’ve only recently understood it in light of changing events and outlook.

    For a very long time I enjoyed the interludes of dressing in the flamboyant clothes and styles. I’d always known I had a female component and this was how the itch was scratched. It wasn’t a terribly strong component since it was easy to take the clothes off, discard the mindset and put ‘her’ back in the box for an indefinite period.

    What I’ve realised in retrospect is that I was significantly overweight and that there was no way my self-image would ever see itself as looking even slightly female. The flamboyant dressing was a way of acknowledging that I could only ever portray a caricature of femininity. If I was going to look ridiculous, I might as well enjoy it.

    Many thing have changed in the last few years. Not least the loss of a lot of weight. To the extent that I can wear off the shelf female clothes and styles and project a genuine female image. There’s been a lot of growth in my female persona to the extent that she’ll never allow herself to be put in the box.

    I haven’t worn those caricatures of femininity for a long time now because I no longer am that caricature. You might say that I was held back in the development of my female persona and the exploration of recognising that I am transgendered.

    A good read and thanks for the credit and link.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Melody. I do find the lumping to be rather frustrating, especially when that label seems to trump all other characteristics when people look at a sub. If someone is a service sub, they are seen only as a sissy. If they are a masochist, they are seen only as a sissy. If they are a cuckold, they are seen only as a sissy. The blanket judgment is often unkind.

      I have also found that feminization forums and adverts are that way as well. They expect you to be X, Y, and Z, and everything is centered around those things.

      Thank you for sharing your experiences as well. i find it fascinating that recognizing yourself as transgender went hand in hand with changing to a more realistically feminine style. I’m guessing that the shame has mostly dissipated as well? Do you find you respect your female persona more?

      Take care.

      Like

      1. To be honest, I never felt shame or humiliation from sissy dressing. My mistress of the time who could be adept with others at humiliation play recognised it wasn’t something easy to do with me. She just enjoyed the dress up. She was the first one to fully recognise that there was the germ of melody inside, I just don’t think that she knew what to do with it beyond encouraging the dressing, even if it was in sissy mode. Back then, the idea of me losing 120+ lb to be able to wear normal female clothes was beyond both of us.

        My current domme also recognised almost immediately that there was something intrinsically female inside me. She loves humiliation play, sissy training and forced feminisation, yet she deliberately kept away from those areas with me in order to work on and promote that core.

        This doesn’t invalidate that many do indeed feel shame and enjoy the humiliation play. I think the key here is that I never dressed for sexual thrill. Being dressed in and of itself was nothing to do with sexual excitement, it was about feeling comfortable in my skin.

        From those I’ve known, many sissies get great sexual thrill from the taboo of dressing and the feel of the sensuous fabrics. To me, I’d say that this is where the association of dressing and shame really takes hold. The guilt at being highly aroused from wearing feminine clothes and fabrics, especially underwear.

        So you might say from that, that I never was a sissy in the guilt sense, it was the only viable outlet for something that would take many years to properly manifest. Mind you, it was fun.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you, Melody.
          It sounds like you have had some good support on that front. Do you think you would have turned out differently if they had pushed in a different way?

          I know in my case, fur was what sucked me in at an early age, but I was also shamed for it before I had a fully developed sense of self-awareness by my family (before I would even get aroused). The term sissy wasn’t really in my vocabulary until my 20’s, and it was always used in a shaming way that seemed to reinforce the guilt that had plagued me for years.

          With that in mind, I do not have a feminine persona, feminization just can affect the type of mental space I reach with submission. As my body type and bone structure are very bulky/muscular, I can’t even envision being slender enough to fit into women’s clothing (it is enough of a problem finding men’s clothing that fits well). I would have to wonder if that may have changed things for me. I’m not sure if it would have made a difference if the toxic masculinity environment I grew up in remained the same.

          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. That’s an interesting question. I think in the early days the lack of knowledge would have allowed me to have been pushed in very different ways. However, I also think that this would have eventually created a conflict. Even just sissy dressing that long ago seems to have been vague acknowledgement of a female persona.

          Since I knew I looked ridiculous, I could enjoy, even revel in it with my mistress. I’ve got a feeling that if she’d tried to use shame and humiliation to conform to her ideas of sissy behaviour then we would have split up.

          Funnily enough, I’m taking her to dinner tomorrow. It will be an interesting question to ask.

          For me, it seems definitely to have been a way to get to understand D/s and my place in it. Learning as a sub to have confidence within this strange framework, gradually learning who I am behind all those social strictures and barriers.

          Family can be the worst of all when it comes to understanding and imparting shame in many areas. I’ve never discussed or intimated my leanings with family. Despite being a counsellor for 20 years, my father has a fixed and very traditional idea about such matters. Effeminate leanings in a male equals homosexuality equals and uncontrollable desire to molest small boys. You can see why I’ve never talked to family … lol These days I wouldn’t succumb to any shame, we’d just have an enormous row.

          Toxic masculinity was very prevalent. Talking and being open about such things has been only between myself and my dommes until I recently started more public writings.

          I can sympathise on the clothes issue, I felt the same for 25 years.

          I’m intrigued about the fur. I’ve know a few sissies with fur fetishes. Did this start as an element of sexual excitement to which you got bonded ?

          Liked by 1 person

        3. Thank you, Melody.
          Your journey through this seems quite a bit different than mine. I was guided into the path of humiliation and kept there for years.

          As for fur, there were a number of factors that contributed to how things developed. As for the touch, I was given a fur pelt in my crib because I was rubbing my skin raw against the bottom of it. I just ended up really liking the feel. My mother and sister both had fur coats and I would pet them or rub them on my cheek when no one was around. At around age 5 or so my older sister caught me doing it and went off on me, telling me I was a freak, no one would want to be my friend, etc. I told my mother and she sided with my sister. That created a barrier where fur became a desired object but I could not openly enjoy it. From then on if I saw a woman in fur I was fixated upon her… but kept it hidden, scanning from my peripherals. I was also drawn to characters in toys, comics, cartoons, movies, etc. that wore fur. One toy line in particular had some snow-based characters with fur-trimmed outfits. To complicate matters, there was an older girl that would terrorize me and tie me up and I began to fantasize about her, occasionally imagining that I was one of those characters. Fur became entwined with being dominated, bound, captured, etc. and worked its way into my early sexual fantasies (imaginary, not real).
          When my first Domme introduced me officially to BDSM and the D/s lifestyle, I shared my attraction to fur with her, hoping that she would be my Venus in Furs. At first she wanted me to get comfortable with it and wanted me to wear fur, but the years of shame had done their work, and wearing fur ended up being a massive submissive trigger for me in a twisted up way. I wanted to touch it, but wearing it pretty much meant wearing women’s clothes. This served as the gateway to my feminization and she would use it to humiliate me and keep me docile. After a while, she unintentionally conditioned me sexually to respond more strongly to that than anything else. There were some traumatic triggers from my childhood that it brought to the surface, such as being forced by my parents to use my sister’s hand me downs and the girl who would dominate me would use girl’s winter clothes to bind me, etc.

          For me, that specific type of feminization triggers a form of screwed up little space but I didn’t realize it until last year. For 14 years I just assumed that I was a sissy, but I always felt different because my response was almost solely due to the shame/humiliation and not to do with being feminine.

          I hope that makes sense.

          Like

        4. That makes a lot of sense and thank you for being so open about it.

          We do come at this from very different paths, yet have quite similar understandings of the mechanisms involved.

          I was struck by what you said at the end “I just assumed that I was a sissy”. I’d say that for the longest time I had the same assumption, though for obviously different reasons. That was a function of the only available outlets to explore and express. There was no viable concept of being anything else.

          I wrote in an earlier reply that I was taking the ex-mistress out for dinner. She provided some interesting answers to questions I could never have asked her as her owned sub, even if I’d known they were questions to be asked way back then.

          I knew back then that she had a few sissies she enjoyed playing with, it was one of her big kinks. She told me over dinner that she got great enjoyment with quite extreme humiliation play with those sissies. Leading to the obvious question of why not with me ?

          She replied that she knew from the first instant that I was female and always considered me so, even more so on seeing me again for dinner. That sissy humiliation was totally inappropriate. At best ineffective and at worst could destroy the nascent female persona. One of her biggest regrets was in adding sissy to my name.

          My current domme came almost instantly to the same conclusions more than 10 years later. Learning just how far back that goes is very interesting in respect of what I’m coming to understand now.

          So yes, I do broadly agree with you that once the term feminisation is banded about, it’s very easy to get included in the way too broad label of sissy and all that it seems to mean and imply. Many inside and out of that scene see a codified set of behaviours and responses to which all within that ugly label must conform to.

          Breaking out of that label, even if just in your own mind is hard. Even more so if there’s psychological linkages bound to the shame and humiliation triggers.

          Great piece and discussions. Thank you.

          Liked by 1 person

        5. You are the first sub that I have ever come across that understands the mechanisms in this way.

          That is interesting that the Dommes you have been with were able to see that so easily.

          I think one aspect for me is that the Dommes I have been in relationships were either newer to the lifestyle or new to not having to abide by strict limits set by the sub. I pretty much go in the realm of consensual non-consent with a couple of “if you do this, it will break me beyond repair” type of hard limits. Once they got a taste for how much they enjoyed humiliating me, they would push and push and push without thinking about the long-run conditioning and consequences involved.

          When I realized I had been sexually conditioned beyond repair, I started looking more into the sissy community. I was never one to just go along with the ideas that existed, which in turn, meant I would pretty much leave those communities when I realized that they had no place for me. To this day I have met maybe 2-3 others who were wired like me.

          What I have done is to form a kind of broken equilibrium, where I have grown comfortable existing with the shame. My submissive mental space has evolved in such a way where I end up craving the shame.

          I keep most of what I write on this topic on a separate blog:
          https://fursissy.wordpress.com/

          I split them when I moved to WordPress because of my experiences on Blogger.

          Take care.

          Like

  4. As always you make me think. I reflect on conversations we have had over the past few months. I now see how you think about the subject more. Thank you…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Great read but I’m still confused. It sounds like some sissies are just submissives according to some of your types and differences described. If there is no feminizing involved than I don’t think they should use the word “sissy” as a label. Being treated like a slave or servant isn’t a completely femine aspect and therefore those should just be called subs.

    The term “sissy ” as a word implies 2 things: 1) weakness and inferiority 2) likening to stereotypical feminine features. If a person’s fantasies doesn’t fall under both of those things than I don’t see how it’s logical to use that term. It just creates more confusion.

    If we are talking about cuckolding, a sissy cuckold would be forced to dress as a woman for his cuckoldress and the bull as a form of humiliation.
    But if that doesn’t happen than I wouldn’t call them sissy cuckolds because that’s too confusing.
    There are masochist cuckolds who enjoy pain (physical and/or emotional) so this would involve a lot of femdom, bdsm, and humiliation.
    And there are regular sub cuckolds whose submissive tendencies vary but not significantly enough that they need different labels.
    And there are alpha cuckolds who are not very submissive or they are perhaps switches who enjoy being both dom and sub.
    Then there are stags who are similar to alpha cucks but this term is not as well known. Typically associated more with hotwifing than cuckolding. These are not submissive at all and view themselves as equal to bulls and they simply enjoy their partners being sluts.

    There are variations between these types and even some overlapping but at least there are some distinctions within cuckolding.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jane. I like your breakdown on cuckolds. I think that cuckolding gets a far more serious analysis because even though only a percentage of the community take part in it, I believe the community as a whole can see its rational merits. e.g. both roles and genders can relate to the idea of the dominant party having access to optimal levels of sexual pleasure. While not everyone may agree with the choice, they can at least understand the choice. When it comes to feminization, only a small percentage are drawn to it or see its merits. I think this is strongly at the root of why there aren’t adequate labels.

      What I should have been more explicit about is that in this post, all scenarios were meant to imply that they involve the sub being feminized, and the preferences being with that included. e.g. being treated as a slave or servant while feminized.

      There are people out there who experience submission in a completely different way while feminized vs. not. In my case, I am submissive without it but feminization unlocks a different level of submission for me.

      Where things get jumbled is that normally, submissive have types/labels (some of which may be overlapping). Some examples:
      -service-oriented submissive.
      -masochist/bottom.
      -emotional masochist.
      -slave.

      What tends to happen in the community is that once feminization is involved, they simply call all of them “sissy” and no longer give them differentiation even if their base submissive characteristics aren’t even remotely similar.

      Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I am glad 🙂
          I had attempted it my first year of blogging (2010) on my old blog but got a lot of negative responses over it. One of the aspects that I struggled with was how to order the taxonomy. I came across three primary breakdowns that were fairly unique to sissification which probably required new terms (ones that exist in other aspects of submission tend to already have them).

          One breakdown I did was willing vs. forced.
          -Subs that want to be feminized.
          -Subs that secretly want to be feminized but will only do it if forced.
          -Subs that don’t want to be feminized but will do it if forced. (They may end up “liking” being forced because of what it does psychologically).

          Another breakdown was in regards to sexuality:
          -Openly desires to have sexual contact with men (may also desire women, too).
          -Secretly desires to have sexual contact with men but needs it to be forced (may openly desire women, too).
          -Has no desire for sexual contact with men but will do it when forced and desires only women.
          -Has no desire for sexual contact with men at all and desires only women.

          The last breakdown was in regards to gender identity:
          -Associates with a female persona (either fully or partly).
          -Associates with a male persona but wishes to act in a feminine way.
          -Associates only with a male persona (although may act if forced).

          Desire to dress, sexuality, and gender identity seemed like the big three. If you have any terms that you think would work for any of these, that would be great.

          The umbrella makes it very difficult to be understood, which is why I downplay feminization on this version of my blog. I fall into the don’t want to be feminized but will be forced, has no desire for sexual contact with men at all, and associates only with a male persona types, which generally falls pretty far away from the accepted stereotypes.

          Take care.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. I like that breakdown. That’s immensely helpful. Hmm perhaps in the future I’ll attempt to classify them but it seems like a really difficult feat atm. Especially when a lot of that can overlap.

          Liked by 1 person

        3. I’m glad it helped, Jane.
          It is an incredibly difficult feat to create labels. I haven’t made a serious effort at it since probably 2012. What I do know is that back then I would search for others like me: heterosexual subs that were drawn in more by the humiliation aspects. I came across 1 or 2 now deleted blogs, but nothing really since then. That search was part of what emphasized the differences. In most cases labels are applied to fixed situations that are already commonly known but without a label.

          I consider those differences to be rather fundamental. D/s in general has a couple of levels where these differences can occur and often when people who have fundamentally opposing views interact there ends up being a lot of misunderstanding.

          e.g. Mono vs. poly (cuckolding is technically a form of poly but only a small percentage actually use the poly label). D/s in a loving relationship vs. formal non-romantic D/s. Lifestyle vs. bedroom only (aka designated play).

          Another factor is if their view of D/s is rooted in BDSM principles or not. A handful of the newer movements do not work from a foundation of SSC, etc.

          Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks, the way you break down the nuances between different “types” of sissies might help some of my friends better understand their own wants and needs as it pertains to their kinks… 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I hope that it can help them. I originally wrote this with a couple of people in mind as I wanted to help them understand a lot of the major differences that all seem to get lumped under the same umbrella label. I’m always glad if people find what I write useful in some way.

          Take care.

          Like

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